'I look how horrid' I mutter to my ghastly reflection in the full length mirror of the changing room. I had a full length but strapless dress on, in a lime green colour that was the only one in my price range for my size. I scan the tag, and sigh. Size 20, and it was tight.
'You look fine Jess!' my best friend Ellen laughed, not bothering to look as she slipped on her short, small size 8 dress. It was nice of her to try and comfort me, but it was the same old line; 'I looked fine'. What it really meant is 'You've tried about 25 dresses on, none of them fit and im bored of your complaining'. I sighed again and turned away from Ellen to change.
It wasn't that i didnt trust her enough to see my body, she knew i was fat and she didnt make a fuss. It was just I didn't feel right, her seeing me the way I was, when she was so beautiful. This was the one part of me hardly anyone knew, the dark part. To my friends like Ellen, May, and Dave, i was a happy, bubbly teenage girl, with her fair share of problems, but could get through them and help them through their problems. What they didnt see, behind closed doors, was that i was slowly crumbling, breaking down. There were little voices in my head, that reminded me how horrible I looked repeatedly.
'You ready jess? The others will be waiting' Ellen called me out of my thoughts as she tugged a boot on. 'Yeah' i smiled, yanking my frizzy, dull hair into a messy bun.
~
'Here they are!' Lee's irish drawl boomed around the small cafe, luigi's, as we walked in giggling. We'd been discussing last nights events at the camping party, how everyone had kissed someone they regretted kissing now. I laughed along, hiding the fact i hadn't kissed anyone, instead sat behind a tree alone..
I walked into Lee's awaiting arms, letting him squeeze me warmly, before pulling me onto the bench, the perfect friend for cheering me up. Half the time he didnt know what was wrong, but that didnt matter to him as long as he was making me smile.
We'd met through Dave and Ellen, which was crazy now as we were closer to eachother than we were to them. But once we'd began talking we simply havent stopped. Its been 3 years, and Lee comes from ireland to see me every holiday. He was the only one i let close enough to know about my self confidence issues, and the one i told everything to.
'We got the dresses! I cant wait for the summer ball now, cant you Jessy?' Ellen asked excitedly as she plopped onto Dave's knee. Their on/off, secret-but-very-obvious relationship had been going on for several years now, although they claim to be serious, and have been in a publicly known relationship for 3 months now. I just smiled and nodded, not wanting to disappoint Ellen by telling infact, i was dreading the ball, was losing sleep over the stupid dance the school had insisted we all attend in 3 months time. Why we needed dresses now already, i don't know. El had told me it was something about 'preparation is key' or something rubbish like that. Lee just gave my knee a squeeze, and i didn't need to look at him to know he understood how i really felt. 'i'm sure the dresses look beautiful' Lee smiled, then looked pointedly at me as I shot him a disapproving look. 'on both of you' he rolled his eyes, but I rested my head on his shoulder happily anyway. Ellen thanked Lee while raising an eyebrow wickedly at me. I frowned in confusion at her, and she nodded her head in Lee's direction with a smirk. I threw a napkin at her. The boys, thankfully, seemed oblivious.
'Do you girls want anything to drink? Eat?' Dave asked as he pushed Ell off his knee, standing. Ellen stole his seat, looking playfully at him as he put his hands on his hips. The open playing and teasing between them sent a pang of both jealousy and again lonlieness sting my chest. It wasn't that I liked Dave, i mean he is certainly handsome. Brown raggedy just-got-up hair and deep green eyes were set off brilliantly by his lightly tanned skin, and under his plain black tee you could see well defined abs and muscles. But I'd known Dave years, his family we like a second one to me, and to be honest, he was a bit of a player. I loved that he and Ellen were happy, but he'd gone through more girls than clean underwear and it wasnt something i'd ever been interested in being involved with.
'Green tea and chocolate cake pleasee!' El responded with her innocent, butter-wouldnt-melt eyes and a flick of her lucious blonde locks. Dave rolled his eyes and chuckled, then turned to me 'Jessamine? want anything?'
'No thankyou' I smiled.
'Sure?' I nodded, and so, dragging El along with him, he went over to the counter. Now they were out of earshot, Lee pulled me into a big bearhug and stroked my hair, letting my head fall to his chest again.
'You okay?' He asked, his voice vibrating from his chest i mumbled some form of consent. 'that doesn't convice me Miss.Rodgers'
I chuckled 'why did i think it would? Im alright, just fed up of being ugly' i half joked. Lee pushed me up and grabbed my shoulders. Piercing me with his icy blue glare, he raised his eyebrows defiantly 'You are beautiful. Stop putting yourself down okay? say it; I am beautiful..?'
I grinned 'Okay i will: you are beautiful!' Lee raised the back of his hand to his forehead, and with a dramatic sigh, replied 'Beautiful? Bitch I'm fabulous!' I just laughed and smacked his hand lightly.
