The World is Ugly, But You're Beautiful to Me. (Frerard)

『①❼』

(( this chapter is probably gonna be pretty sad, because y'know, feelings n shit, so here's a smiley frank to look @ beforehand.))
...
Gerard

Fuck.

I'm such a wreck.

I just couldn't stand how my father looked at me, as if he hadn't raised me for 18 years. As if he didn't know me. He was fragile and pale in the moment, yet his eyes held an intense strength still. That strength was directed towards me, and I felt extremely uneasy. But, he didn't talk about what I thought he would. He never brought up Frank, or asked where I had been.

Instead, my father told Mikey what he was in charge of while he was in the hospital, not even bothering to appoint me as someone who lived in that house. I asked him how he felt, and he replied with weak responses. He wouldn't look straight at me while we talked.

It kinda hit me hard, how sick he really was, and I just can't live with myself if the last days of his life, he's treating me like I committed a crime.

But now it's not just my father's eyes haunting me, it's Frank's as well. The way they became glassy and dim, and I couldn't help but notice he brought all his strength together to not let the drops fall from his eyes. I wish I hadn't noticed, because then I wouldn't envision how many tears have fallen from them by now. Everything about Frank from that moment haunted me now really; like how his whole body trembled and his knees almost gave out when we held each other for what might've been the last time since I'm such a coward. His mouth too, how it quivered every so often, and how he couldn't form coherent words. And shit man, I love him. Even in that moment that I was hurting him, I loved him.

I just need to reevaluate everything though; I need time by myself. And I knew Frank was blaming himself for everything with my family, and I couldn't let him fall into a pit like that. As fucking stupid as my solution was, I think him separated from me is better than him having to hurt himself over my problems. I can't end up hurting Frank even more, he's my whole damn world. I have to let him find something or, as much as it would kill me, someone better than my screwed up ass.

I stood from my bedroom floor that I was laying on and tried to stop myself, but before I knew it I had picked up one of the glass Coke bottles I had on my window sill and threw it against my wall. I got anything I could, books, CD cases, shoes and threw them everywhere in my frustrated state. I almost picked up my radio and threw it out the window before I heard a knock on my door that pulled me out of my madness.

"Uh, Gerard, I made some dinner" I heard Mikey speak softly from the other side of my bedroom door. I heard some fright in his voice as well. Ever since we came back from the hospital around 5 hours ago, I've been in my room, just thinking about how stupid I am. Mikey has come around almost every hour just to knock and see if I was okay. I haven't let him in, but I'd always reply with "I'll be out in a while". I'm pretty sure he's gotten the point that that was a lie.

"I'm sorry, I don't really have an appetite" I spoke loud enough for him to hear me from the outside of the door. I could hear him sigh, then the patter of his feet walking away slowly. I sat in silence again, with thoughts that felt as if they were eating me alive. I laid back down on the floor of my bedroom, this time next to the complete mess I made.

Maybe I could still talk to Frank, and just be around him. Oh God, but then I'd want to kiss him and tell him I love him five hundred times, and I'd probably cry. I wonder if he's crying right now...