What's In My Heart Must Come Out

Introduction

I write more than I think. No, wait! That didn't sound right. I do more thinking than writing, of course. It's just that my writing is scattered among many outlets in the house and cyberspace, such as in composition notebooks, MS Word files, documents on Google Drive, Notepad texts on zip drives, one of many iPhone apps, social media post and comments, and in various blogs. The result is I have written way more than I realize, more than I think I wrote. That's what I meant. Why did I write so much? Well, I'm not sheep lice!

"We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason why they write so little."
-- Anne Lamott (taken from "The Writer's Devotional")

I am a specimen of this species that needs and wants to understand and know who I am. This longing is deep. This is one reason why, over the years, I have written here and there and everywhere. This is the same reason why, from now on, I want to centralize and organize those writings, and then write so much more.

Since I'm not sheep lice, I often asked as I wrote, who am I? I wanted then to understand, and I want now to express that understanding. What is the warmth in my heart? What quickens my soul to delight? What is the big picture and how do I fit in? I've cautiously shared such thoughts with a select few.

Why was I born at the time and place of my birth? Why was I here now? What did I have in common with my species? What distinguished me as a unique individual? What was in between common and unique? What was the substance of ownership that I claimed, "My body. My mind. My thoughts. My pain. My laughter. My preferences. My defaults. My heart and soul." Who was the "me" that has a "my"? What was happening to me? What has happened to me? Why was I this way, sometimes making courageous choices, and other times self-sabotaging with indecisiveness? Why did I rifle through some things, yet slug through others? What inspires me? What stifles me? What hurts me? What pleasures me? Why me? Why not me? Did you notice the shift from past to present tense? (I could go on; hope you're still with me. Should have told you skip halfway through this paragraph.)

I would probably not get along with sheep lice since we do not share this longing. What would we talk about? Have they even attempted to record their thoughts? Or are they already consumed by habit?

Even among my own species it seems I shared the most with those who I know ponder what I'm pondering, hurt where I'm hurting, or rejoice where I'm rejoicing . It took me a while to get used to being alone in my thoughts [grin] before I found those friends. I'm okay with that. If I wasn't, I'd still be people-pleasing.

Yet, I know I'm not alone. Deep friendships, which took time and circumstances to develop, offer glimpses of such conversational depth like a tour of precious and rare gems at Tiffany's. I treasure them immensely, both my friends and those moments. In them, I love and feel loved, in human terms. As a human soul, that is.

Ah! But through writing, I can dig even deeper. I can return to those conversational and soulful depths and go deeper still. And through selected reading, I can share the pain and joy of others who have done likewise and know myself better. I can quietly agree, disagree, contemplate, be moved and shaken, or take in juicy morsels of fresh perspectives.

My goal is not to stretch a thought beyond its shape, but to discover its boundaries and interactions. I also know there will be readers of my musings who are touched that someone understands. I have been there. There's that connection again, like an umbilical cord between beating hearts. Perhaps, we will interact one day.

Is this inquiry into lofty questions an endless pursuit into curious matters that drive philosophers mad? With the demands of daily life are these questions irresponsible? Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch videos, or more relaxing to listen to classical music? Shouldn't I be balancing the family budget, paying bills, working in or on my day-to-day career, or planning my next vacation? What about fighting an environmental hazard, helping neighbors recover from natural disasters or man-made trauma, or the aiding in the tragedy of human plight? Are those not better contemplated so I can be of value to politics and society?