So Close, But So Far //trigger warning//

So Close but So Far

//Phil's Point of View//

"Phil Is Not on Fire 7 is finally finished!" Dan exclaimed from his spot next to me. "Now we just need to wait for next year's." I laughed softly in response. I got up from my bed and grabbed the camera off the tripod, stopping the recording.

"I have some editing to do," I said with a soft smile in his direction. He nodded and got up, heading towards his room. I watched him walk out before I sighed softly. I quickly cleaned up the mess we had made, wiping the weird wet stuff from the stress mushroom off of my bed. Laughing softly under my breath, I shook my head. I sat at my desk and transferred the video onto my laptop and went through it, beginning to edit. As I started to edit, I caught myself smiling fondly at my younger best friend.

I mentally smacked myself and told myself to stop. I'm not allowed to like Dan. I decided to stop editing for a while and go through Tumblr. I saw Phan pictures and groaned to myself. Everyone but Dan wants Phan to be real. Why does he have to be straight? I walked away from the computer and lay on my bed. I can't seem to escape my feelings for Dan. Dan is all over the internet and I see him daily. How was I supposed to live with having a crush on my best friend? It was honestly torture for me.

I sighed heavily. I didn't want to be in love with him, and the feeling of knowing I would never be with him hung heavy in my chest. I got up from my bed and went to the bathroom, rubbing my face in frustration. I washed the cat whiskers off my face and looked at myself in the mirror.

Even if Dan were gay, why would he be attracted to me? I looked over my features, scrunching my nose up in disgust at what I saw in the mirror. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, I didn't know why the fans, or why Dan, even liked me. I didn't understand how I could love Dan if I didn't even love myself. I sighed heavily and rubbed my eyes, tearing my eyes away from the hideous image in the mirror. I asked myself for what seemed like the one millionth time, Why am I me?

I went back to my desk and finished editing. I looked at the time and wondered how so much time went by that quickly. I walked out of my room and into the kitchen to find something to eat. Dan stood in the kitchen making a bowl of cereal and typing away at his phone while smiling. My heart did a weird thing in my chest and I told myself to stop. I made myself a bowl of cereal as well and went to the living room and started to eat while watching anime.

"You were planning on waiting for me right?" Dan said walking in with his own bowl of cereal. His phone went off and he answered quickly before watching anime with me. I glanced at him and sighed softly. Throughout the show, he was still texting, his phone basically glued to his hand. It soon got old.

"Who're you texting so much? You rarely ever text anybody," I finally spoke up, not moving my eyes away from the TV. I saw him shrug out of the corner of my eye, a smile still on his lips. I glanced over at him, to see he was still on his phone, typing away.

Dan finally responded, "Well, uh..." He grinned goofily, taking a bite of his cereal. "There's this uh... Girl." My heart dropped. My face went pale. "We uh... We've been talking. And I uh, asked her out a few nights ago. So, yeah. I guess I should've just said it's my girlfriend." I slowly nodded, biting my lip hard to keep the tears away.

"Oh... Uh, nice, mate," I forced myself to say. Quietly, I set the bowl of cereal onto the coffee table and stood. "I gotta wee, I'll be right back." I rushed out and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. With shaky hands, I quickly locked the door.

Tears started falling from my eyes. Why? Why did he have to get a girlfriend? Why couldn't Dan just take the hint and realize that I was in love with him? I exhaled shakily and paced the bathroom floor, letting out a quiet sob. There was no way this was happening. I felt dizzy, I could barely keep myself upright. After a few minutes of letting everything out, I finally calmed myself down. I stared at my tear stained reflection in the mirror. I hated what I saw. My whole world was crashing down on me, my happiness was drained from me. I picked up the brush from the bathroom counter and chucked it at the mirror, hoping the ugly reflection would go away. I merely flinched as the glass shattered and fell to the floor and into the sink. Everything went silent for a few seconds, until I heard Dan's loud footsteps coming towards the bathroom.

Dan banged on the bathroom door. "Phil? What the hell are you doing in there?" he shouted. Reluctantly, I opened the bathroom door, my cheeks red in embarrassment as he looked at the scene in front of him.

"What the fuck did you do?" He asked, his eyes wide in confusion and surprise. He looked to me and saw my bloodshot eyes. He gave me a concerned look. "And what's wrong...?" he asked, his voice more gentle. I rubbed my eyes and shook my head, glancing to the broken glass.

"I, uh... I just tripped. Tried to use the mirror for support, but y'know... That wasn't such a good idea." I forced a soft, awkward laugh and directed my gaze to look down at my feet. His concerned look did not change.

"Phil, why're you... Why're you crying?" He questioned, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion and concern. The shattered mirror and broken glass seemed to be the least of his worries. I shook my head.

"I'm fine, I'm... Not crying. It's all fine," I forced a smile and looked away, refusing to look at either Dan or the broken glass. I swiftly stepped out of the bathroom, grabbing the broom and dust pan from the kitchen. I exhaled shakily and prepared myself, hoping Dan wasn't still in the bathroom. It was embarrassing enough to lie, and I could tell Dan was not buying the lie as much as I hoped.

I walked into the bathroom and saw Dan still staring, confused, trying to come with with a way of how the mirror broke. I lightly moved him away from the broken glass and began to clean up. I refused to look at him, or to look at myself in the shattered pieces of the mirror. This was such a terrible moment.

After several minutes of silence, Dan decided to walk out of the room. I stopped cleaning and let a tear fall from my eye. Did he even actually care?

The next day, I was sat on the couch. Dan had left the house to hang out with his girlfriend. He hadn't spoken to me since the situation in the bathroom the other night. I felt numb.

I glanced down at my phone, seeing the pictures Dan posted on Instagram of him and his new girlfriend. I couldn't take this anymore. I had realized that Dan hadn't been hanging out with me as much anymore since he started talking to her. I couldn't live without my happiness. I shook my head and sniffled, getting up from the couch and going to the bathroom. With shaky hands, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and found Dan's contact. I was going to do it. I typed a message slowly.

I hope you're happy with her. I've tried to be happy for you but I just can't. You were the only thing that kept me happy, that kept me alive. But I just can't do this anymore. Goodbye, Dan. I love you.

I read over the message several times, tears streaming down my face. I quickly sent the message and placed my phone on the bathroom counter. It's not like he would care anyways, right? He cared more about his girlfriend than me. I didn't deserve to be his friend, let alone his boyfriend. Why did I ever think I would have a chance with him? I let out a sob and buried my face in my hands. I was worthless.

I paced the bathroom floor, inhaling shakily. My hands trembled, I couldn't get myself to calm down. I heard my phone go off, it was Dan's ringtone. Hesitantly, I picked up my phone, tempted to answer. No. No, I couldn't. I needed to do this. I couldn't just do this anymore. I threw my phone across the bathroom, sobbing loud. I needed Dan. I just needed him. I needed my happiness. I looked at myself in what remained of the mirror and whimpered. I hated it. I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills. This was my chance. All I had to do was take the pills, then I'd be gone. And Dan could be happier. I let the tears roll down my face as I opened up the bottle, pouring a handful into my hand. Goodbye, everyone, I thought. Everything was silent. All of a sudden I heard the front door slam shut and Dan running down the halls. I panicked and froze up, tears rolling down my cheeks.

The bathroom door was soon forced open. "Phil! What the fuck!" He shouted, basically slapping the handful of pills out of my hand. "Don't...Don't fucking...What're you doing?" He asked, pulling me into a hug. I sobbed loudly and shook in his arms. He tried calling me down, but I couldn't.

"I-I want to die!" I managed to force out, sobbing loudly. He looked down at me with tears in his eyes, shaking his head.

"Phily..." Dan whispered. He stroked his hand through my hair as he attempted to calm me down. My body shook against his as he hugged me close.

"Stay with me," Dan whispered shakily. "Don't leave me..."