Graveyard of Hearts

4. Break Down

I'm lost in my thoughts when I hear a tapping on my window that brings be back to the present. I look over and see Rachael peering in through the glass.

I roll down my window. "Hi looking for directions?" I ask.

"Yeah I need directions for getting over it, friend of mine is kinda lost."

"Funny," I say and turn my car off. I pop open my door and get out of the car next to her.

She wraps her arms around me and pulls herself in close. "I'm sorry," she says against my shirt. She tilts her head up towards my face and I look down at her slightly. "I shouldn't have done that. Especially in front of your friends."

"You know I love you, right?" I say. She smiles, more with her eyes than her lips. "And that's why I want to break up with you."

She steps back. "I don't see the logic," she states, with eyes focused on mine.

"I wish words could explain it, Rachael. I really really do. I just don't see a future anymore here, with you. I love you so goddamn much and trust me this isn't something that's just come up in the last day or anything, it's been a creeping feeling for months that I just haven't been able to shake."

"Did you practice saying that?" She asks and takes a step backward away from me. "So what, you're bored of me? Is that what you're saying?"

"No no that's not what I'm sayi.."

"That's sure as hell what it sounds like!" She interrupts, her voice gets louder and carries across the neighborhood. "Look if you're bored of me and this," she gestures to the house. "Then just fucking say it don't hit me with that 'it's not you it's me bullshit'... I'm not stupid."

"You're the furthest thing from stupid and I'll be the first person to admit that you're smarter than me. We just want different things is all I'm saying I guess. We have a great life, mostly because of you. I just don't think this is what I was looking for."

"So what are you looking for? Why are you acting like I'm incapable of changing, that we're incapable of changing."

I smile and almost laugh. "I don't want you to change Rachael. You're amazing and you deserve someone who is looking for all of the things that you're looking for. I know that this is what you always wanted. A life. You've been waiting since you were six years old to have your own house and your own freedom to do whatever you please with it. To have a nice car and a fenced in yard and maybe some dogs in the future and kids and host birthdays and slumber parties for them and I respect that so fucking much Rachael. It's one of the things I love about you... that you knew what you wanted. That you knew what was going to make you happy and you got here! I'm just sorry that you ended up here with me."

"I thought that's what you wanted too," she says and I can see confusion and sadness starting to fill her eyes.

"I was never sure what I wanted. Honestly I'm still not fully sure what I want. But I want to be able to figure that out. And unfortunately it's something that has to be done alone."

She shakes her head. "This is so cliche." She wipes her eyes. "Why are you so fucking cliche."

I chuckle but I'm not sure if she meant it to be funny. She laughs too a little bit.

"You're telling the truth?" She questions and wipes her eyes again.

I nod.

"So what now? You're breaking up with me again? Can I still say no?"

I smile because even in this moment she still has the exact same sense of humor that I fell in love with. Now it feels like a spike through the chest.

"You're like the nicest douchebag I've ever met you know that?" She says and punches my arm. "I don't know if I should hate you or not. I guess time will tell. At the moment though, I still love you. BUT," she says and holds up a finger and points at me. "That's only because I understand what you mean."

"I appreciate that," I say. We're standing in the driveway still and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm not sure what she's expecting or even what I'm expecting.

"Wait. So is that why you've been so confrontational the last couple days?" She asks, obviously referencing my sour attitude and passive aggressive text messages. Which looking back were completely unwarranted because she was doing rather normal things that's she always does.

"It's possible," I say and try not to make eye contact with here. "I might have been a little pensive, all things considered. And I just wasn't sure how to approach all of this, or how you would react."

She reacted better than I thought she would. I was hoping she would try to see things through my eyes, even if it doesn't make all the sense in the world.

"So does this mean I get to throw all of your shit out of the window like a nineties movie. We can play a lame rock song in the background and everything."

"You're the weirdest person I know, you know that?" I say and laugh at how even now she can still make a joke.

"Ain't ever gonna find another one like me again are ya, loser," she says and walks away. She raises her hand above her head and gives me the finger as she's walking away. And that's when I realized that she's right, I'm never going to find someone like her again.

And I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

Time will tell.

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A/n: look, a wild update. More to come. Also this is unedited