Graveyard of Hearts

3. If I Could

"Do you?" She pulls away and looks up into my eyes. It's hard to look back into hers while they're filled with tears.

I raise my hand and cup her cheek. "Of course I do," I say and wipe her tears away with my thumb.

"It feels like you've been pulling away from my lately," she says while trying to catch her breath from crying.

"You think I've been pulling away?" I ask with surprise.

"Why do you think I've been acting the way I have? Nash when I talk to you it's like you're on a different fucking planet sometimes."

I look away from her eyes and think about what she said. I guess I have been kind of dismissive and aloof lately.

"Nash?" She says, trying to grab my attention even though she has all of it.

"I'm thinking about what you said," I say and then meet her eyes again. "I'm sorry baby. I've just been going through some stuff lately."

"Stuff? What stuff are you going through?" She asks. "Why haven't you talked to me about it instead of just ignoring me completely?"

"Just personal stuff. I'm trying to figure out somethings about myself and I didn't want to bother you with it and make you think that I'm crazy or something."

"Like what kind of personal stuff? Nash, we're in a relationship, your problems are my problems too," she says and I knew she was going to say that.

"I know. As soon as I understand it, then I'll talk to you about it, okay?" I tell her with an uplifting tone.

"What does that even mean?" She says.

"This is exactly why I didn't want you to know, because I just can't explain it," I tell her and I know that saying that will only make it worse.

She pulls away from me and scoffs. "What are you hiding?"

"Rachael... I'm not hiding anything, okay? Can you just let me figure this small thing...please?" I plead to her.

"Do you not trust me enough to tell me? After how long we've been dating and you don't trust me enough to tell me this 'small thing?' What the hell, Nash?"

"Oh my god I don't want this to be an argument. Please just let it go. It's not important."

"If it's not important than why can't you tell me!?" She says louder. This is exactly what I didn't want. Her to get mad insecure and for this to turn into an argument.

I sigh and shake my head. "I love you," I tell her. "That's all that you need to know, okay? That hasn't changed."

"But you don't love me enough to fucking tell me whatever the hell it is that you're keeping from me.." She says and turns to walk away.

"Rachael that's not it at all," I say loud enough to get her attention.

She spins around on her heel. "Then. Just. Tell. Me." She says slowly.

I shake my head and sigh again. "I'm sorry, Rachael."

"Well I'm sorry too," she says. She grabs her purse off of the counter and walks out the front door.

I want to go after her, I do. But I don't want to fight any more. She's so quick to assume the worst. I know I should lie to her or keep secrets from her but sometimes her not knowing something is just better. And personally, I think I still reserve the right to have personal aspects of my life that no one knows about, even my girlfriend.

I hear her car pull away and I wonder where she's going. She's probably going back to Kendra's house. Her best friend that really isn't a fan of me, even though me and Rachel have been dating for over two years. Kendra was the reason that Rachael and I almost broke up about six months ago. And I won't be surprised if Kendra filled Rachael's head with loads of bullshit that will inevitably end up ending our relationship.