For Ivory

Cassette #01

The beginning of an ending

Before I say anything else, I want to say I'm sorry.

I know that probably sounds like garbage to you right about now and I can't blame you for thinking so.

But I am sorry.

I don't think I'm sorry for leaving, necessarily, but sorry for leaving you behind. I'd always wanted to do this, I just never knew how.

But here I am. Or— here I will be.

I'm recording these tapes in my bedroom at this moment, because I found my dad's old cassette tapes and thought I'd leave you my goodbye in a sort of cool and old fashioned way. I know you like that stuff.

I don't know if you're listening to this right after I left, or if you found the box a week later. Whenever you find it, I want you to listen to everything, to every tape I left for you. I think you'll need them.

Don't tell David that you found this stuff, please, Ivory. I can imagine he's going absolutely nuts right now and I know I should feel horrible but I just don't.

Do you hate me? Do you think I'm a horrible person for doing this? I won't hate you if you do. I also know I should feel horrible about leaving you, but I don't. And maybe you hate me for that. But could you ever truly hate me?

Where are you right now? Are you in my room?

If you're in my room, which I think you probably are, I want you to, at some point before David has a chance to go through my things, I want you to go through the third drawer in my dresser until you find that baseball t-shirt that I never gave back to you. You used to love that shirt.

I guess at this point you're probably very confused, as you should be.

One thing I will say that will probably sound weird to you, is that there's no other messages.

I didn't leave you a pile of handwritten notes for you to hand out to everyone we know, I didn't leave a phone full of texts for anyone, nothing like that.

I kind of surprised myself with that bit, seeing as there are a lot of people who'd probably love to know what happened to me after I'm gone. But they didn't care about what was happening to me when I was here, so they don't get to know anything else. I think that's reasonable.

The only person I left any kind of anything for, Ivory, is you.

You, because you're the only one who really cared, because you're the only one who really wanted me to be okay.

I'm okay, Ivory.

You're the only person I thought worthy of hearing what I have to say. You're the only one who won't twist my words into pretzels and turn me into something I'm not.

So these are for you, or for us, rather.

You can keep these forever and ever, so you'll never forget the sound of my voice.

And even though I won't have recordings of your voice, I'll always remember it. I couldn't forget the melodic sounds of your voice if I tried. And believe me, I've tried.

I'm not sure of a whole lot right now. I do know that I'm going to record twenty-one of these tapes for you. And I really want you to listen to them all.

I miss you already.

For Ivory,
Love, Chloe.

****

hey hey hey people

i wrote a new thing woopsies ?¿?? ? ?

I'll post a new cassette every wednesday and sunday so!!

y'all ready???

ameerah (-: