and then you left // cth

chapter 33: bathroom floor

I burst past everyone, past the small crowd of Liz's friends, past my only friends in this world. I don't have to look at Calum to know that he's watching me go with a look of alarm on his face, nor do I have to look at Luke to know that he's confused. He's always confused when he's around me. He doesn't understand me, not that he should.

He doesn't understand that his best friend is the reason I am like this.

I run into the empty house, and into the first bathroom I see. My heart is pounding in my ears, and my face is red with the blood rushing towards it. Outside, I hear the music stop off beat, one instrument at a time, and I know it's only moments before Calum and Luke come chasing after me. I'm not even sure why Luke would bother though, only Calum will know what to do.

As I run through the house in search of an escape, I remember the words I once whispered to Calum in a time similar to this.

"Calm me down, baby. You're the only one who knows how."

...
calum

My mind is absent as we play our songs, these songs that I have written to express the heartbreak that I have inflicted on myself. My fingers strum my bass on rhythm and my voice sings at the right times, but I am not there.

If you asked me what song I was signing, I genuinely couldn't tell you.

I'm staring at the ground, watching my feet tap to a beat I don't recognize. But my heart is with Alexis, though I can't bring myself to look at her. I don't deserve to look at her. I don't deserve her.

A shadow flashed across my face and I look up for the first time in our performance. Lex is running past us, and into the house. My heart stops. It beats for her and only her.

I don't think about anything. I don't think about the fact that I am in a band and that people are relying on me to perform and that Luke is worried about me and is pissed at me for something he doesn't even know about. I don't think about the fact that all of my parent's friends are here, watching me with prideful eyes.

I don't think of anything except Alexis as I jump off of my stool and after her, midsong.

I hear Luke shout after me and Michael and Ashton continue playing as they don't understand what's happening. But I don't care about them, fuck them. They have no idea what it's like to be me, to live with this regret.

I run after Lex, shouting her name though I know she probably doesn't hear me. It's the same way I don't hear Luke calling my name, though I know he is. I run into the house, stopping to look left and right for her in each room I pass by. Finally, I come to the closed bathroom door. The light underneath the door stops halfway, and I know she's sitting against the door. She always sits that way in moments like this one.

Back and fourth, I debate wether or not to knock on the door. But my fingers find their way to the chipped paint and I rap softly on the door.

I guess old habits die hard.

"Alexis?" My voice is soft and scared as I call for her.

And then the door flies open and Lex is standing there, tears streaming down her beautiful face. My mouth opens to say something, anything, but then her arms wrap around me so tight I nearly can't breathe. But at the same time, I feel like i'm breathing for the first time in months.

Suddenly, i'm alive again.

"Alexis," I whisper softly into her hair, fumbling my hands as I try to pull her as close to me as I possibly can. I rock her back and fourth and lean my nose into the crook of her neck as she sobs into my chest.

"Calum," she breathes and my eyes return to glass. "Calum I missed you so much," She burrys her head into my chest and I hold her tighter than I've ever held her before.

I don't want to know what will happen when we leave this bathroom. There will be questions and ignorance and yelling and broken promises and I can't deal with those right now. I don't want to think about what I'll have to tell Ashton, or what I won't tell Luke. I don't want Liz to see that Lex was crying, or ask why I ruined her party.

And for the first time in seven months, I feel human again.
...
this chapter made my heart go all <3 <3 <3
i'm sorry this chapter took me like a good month and half to edit but if i'm being completely honest this book is one of my last priorities. but at the end of the day i love this book and i'm trying to finish it up for you guys.

thank you so much for sticking with me hehe

i printed my myt ticket today. i still love 5sos with all my heart, don't get me wrong. but i can't wait to go and remember why i started writing in the first place.

qotd: are you going to a myt show?

i love y'all.