wake up, phil - [phan]

{ 39 } - A Goodbye

Yes.

My breath hitched when a blurry webcame image of... Dan?

Was that Dan?

God, he looked so different.

I mean, it was obviously him, but even through the bad webcam quality, I could see how tired, ill and upset he was. I could see he was on the verge of collapsing. His eyelids permanently drooped and his eyes sore and red. His hair was ruffled and in the hobbity state that I had always loved so much. The huge marks under his eyes seemed to stick out so much on his face... and his face was so much thinner and worn. Oh, Dan.

He was sat on his bed.

For the first few moments of the video, he was completely silent, just adjusting the camera so it was in the right place, so I could see his elbows resting on his crossed legs.

He began to talk.

Oh my god, his voice made me want to cry. He sounded so exhausted, his voice tired and cracked.

"Hello Ph-... Hey Phil... No, wait...
Hi Phil... Oh fuck it. I don't know how to fucking begin this."

I quickly whip round and grab the stuffed lion sat behind me and bring it to my mouth. I bite on it, stifling the sobs I so desperately want to let go.

"This is so pointless. You're not going to see this. I should probably address it to somebody to explain to them what happened to me... But I'll address this to you, Phil."

"Dan." I choke out.

"So, Phil. I have no idea what this will be. I haven't planned anything. I haven't got a script. Fuck that. This will just be a goodbye, to tell you everything before I go. It will probably be soppy as hell, so prepare yourself."

I almost smile.

"before I go..."

Oh, Dan.

"Don't get me wrong, Phil. This has been the best. I never told you this, but I assumed you already realised it... If you hadn't ever replied to my comments, if you hadn't bothered to decide to talk to me, if you didn't chat with me those extra hours on Skype... Who knows? My life would have been five and a half years shorter."

"Dan, please." I splutter into my lion, but I desperately blink away my tears in fear that they will blurr my vision of Dan.

"You know all those times I joked about not having any friends till I met you? Yeah. They were true. You were my first proper friend who didn't leave me or get tired of me, or beat me up. I never told you that. I wish I had, although you probably guessed from my lack of social skills."

My lips are almost pulled into a smile at this. But it's not enough.

"So, whenever you're sad, or angry, or lonely, remember that it was you who saved me, helped me, held me, watch me grow up, made me confident, made me a better person, experienced all these memories with me, smiled at me, told me to calm down or shut up when I waffled on for too long, let me cry on your shoulder, brought me soup when I was ill, the thousands of hours you spent with me, playing video games to cheer me up, struggled through my existential crisis' with me by drawing me things that made me happy, helped me become the person I am today. It's funny, though. Five or six years ago, if you had said to me that I would one day be a professional Youtuber with millions of subscribers, a radio presenter, be writing a book, planning a UK tour for next year, have my own merch website, and live in a flat in London with the most important person in my life, I would've laughed in your face. I would've laugh. In. Your. Face. And guess where I am now? Who do I owe it all to? You, Phil."