When I'm in the city
I feel a sense of peace
A sense of calm and joy
I feel small again
I feel Innocent
Innocence - Lack of guile or corruption; purity.
I remember when I lost my innocence.
I was sad, I was depressed and afraid,
Just learning the ways of the world.
I was 12 years old
And on that day
I learnt right from wrong
I learnt only to scream when everyone was gone
To
Moan, groan, smile, laugh when all I really wanted to do was cry.
I learnt that my bones were too big
Hair too voluminous
Stomach just a little too big
I leant how to tuck everything in.
I learnt how to say yes,
Learnt how to say please,
I learnt nothing at all!
When I was 12 years old
Things were no longer beautiful
Everything was confusing
I began to crawl instead of walking
Didn't know my right from my left
Wasn't sure if I was just "upset"
Didn't know wrong from right
So I put up a fight against everything
I fought their love
Fought the pain
Forgot my beauty
Forgot my aim
I wasn't strong enough to go on
Though I wasn't given the chance to be weak
I had to stand on my two feet
But, when I was 12
I locked myself in the bathroom with my hands,
Dangerous hands, and that day,
That faithful day,
Was the first time I choked.
Fingers spread wide
Pulling at the kink of my black curls as if trying to yank my thoughts form my head,
from my mind,
Feet tucked beneath themselves
Looming over my throne,
I was shaking uncontrollably,
I had overdosed on expired pills as if it was possible for the pain to still go away,
fingers hitting the gritty surface of my throat pulling at my insides to see if It were as ugly as my exterior
I was only 12 years old when I pierced my own flesh in search of pleasure but received pain.
That same year I learnt that a woman didn't need a man; not when she needy for any kind of loving
that same day I learnt; pain can be called pleasure-
As long as I kept adding pressure to the skin beneath my blade
Yes,
My blade
June?
August?
Summer.
I wasn't more than 13 but that doesn't matter because it started when I was 12-
When I lost myself to my own hands,
Took my fingers and pushed them as far as I could in search of release,
Trying to make this body lighter.
I let a stranger teach me the ways of a harlot.
Got the spirit of a drunk,
Now, every time I go back to that city,
I feel small again, I feel,
Normal again,
Now when I go Home
I cry.
There is no love.
Simply some longing and that I why,
I need you (as much as I hate admitting it)
You have created sanity
Given me back the innocence I should have always had,
But, I'd like you to take it back.
Claim it as your grace
Claim me as yours
Take the flaws and teach me how to perfect them,
Teach me self acceptance
And patience to wait on the change
And love for my own body
Give me back that innocence
Can you give me some innocence?
I need more of this innocence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN
Sooooo. I know, that is probably weird. . Or just, different? There is actually another version of it lol Tell me what you think. There is a lot more where THAT (whatever it was) came from and I shall be sending it your way. Please do comment, vote and share it with your unicorn friends! :)
I love you all <3 <3 thank you for the support thus far!!
