After being taken back to the delivery ward around 3am, my partner was told that he had to go home and wasn't allowed to return until 10am. A few words from the midwife and that was it, I was left on a ward with 3 other women who had all had c-sections and were not first time mums all sleeping with they're bundles of joys next to them in their cribs.
I'd never felt so petrified and alone in my life, struggling to get my baby to latch to feed, trying to get her to sleep, learning how to change her nappy and hold her properly. Buzzing for midwives made me feel like I was annoying them, their attitude towards me, maybe because i'm only 19 years old, but why does my age matter on how I will be as a mother? i'd planned to have a baby with my partner after realising he was the one I wanted to be with and I knew from the moment I first saw her on that screen at 6 weeks I was in love - boy or girl I didn't care I just wanted him/her to be healthy, its all I wished for.
I'd read all the pregnancy books, did the research, sat reading reviews about products which were the best, I decided I wanted everything to have the least chemicals in to protect their perfect soft beautiful smelling skin - so I spent dozens on baby skin products, wipes and nappies. I'd even gone to all the ante-natal classes, asked my midwife dozens of questions on what was the best way to do things.
So why was I being punished?
I'd tried so hard to prepare myself to be the most 'perfect' mum.
...And I couldn't even feed my baby the way I had planned.
I'd already failed.
I could see it in all the midwives faces and I knew what they was thinking.
