Broken Together

Chapter 19: We'll Be Your Family

I pull out one of the lads shaving razors and quickly break it pulling out one single blade.

I just can't take it anymore. All the pain from seeing that man again is too much. I need something to relieve the mental pain. I need to feel something again

I sit on the toilet and roll up my sleeve. I bring the razor down onto my wrist

"It won't help." I whip my head to the right finding Harry standing in the bathroom door way

I look down at the blade in my hand. "Trust me it won't help. I don't know what's going on in your head Niall but I'll tell you one thing that blade, isn't going to help"

We sit in silence for a moment like I always do when one of the lads tries to talk to me. I can't talk to anyone anymore, not knowing what'll come spilling out

"You can't do this anymore Ni. You can't shut down that's not how this works! You can't just stop eating, and talking, and moving! That's only making this feeling you have increasingly worse. Shutting everyone out, leaving yourself alone to your thoughts is ONLY making it harder. Just talk me to Niall. Please. Just Talk to anyone!" Harry shouts begging me to speak. For the first time in days though this is the first time I've registered anything someone has said to me.

"I can't" A tear slides down my cheek "it's all too much Harry" I whisper in a hoarse scratchy voice from not talking for so long

Harry quickly walks into the bathroom with me kneeling down in front of me. "What is?"

I sniffle trying to hold back my tears while I continue to look down at the razor in my left hand. "I saw him. My father. And now I can't do anything." I break into tears "every time I blink I see him, every time I sleep I see him, I can't get away. I'm so tired. I haven't slept in so long Harry " I break down. He wraps me in his arms and I sob into his shoulder.

"I know Ni. I know" he rubs my back comfortingly

"I can't take it anymore. I can't feel anything. I just feel numb. I just need to feel something that isn't mental pain." I talk quietly keeping my head resting on his shoulder

"I know. But don't do it with that blade" he tells me sternly yet comfortingly "drop the blade Niall"

I try but it's like it's glued to my hand. I can't I need this or else it'll never end "I can't" my voice cracks as tears fall down my cheeks

He pulls me off him keeping his hands firmly on my arms "yes you can. You don't need to hurt yourself to stop the pain. It won't work!"

"How do you know!" I shout at him crying

He mumbled something than takes his hands off my arms leaving me leaning on the wall weakly.

I watch his hands as he pulls up his shirt sleeves. He puts his forearms out to me and I see they're littered with scars. Deep indents in his skin where he cut himself.

"I know." He pauses "nothing good will come from this. I know now in your head it seams like your only option but once you do it. Once you cut yourself once you'll become addicted to it. You'll become addicted to the idea that it's helping. That it's easing the pain. But then you stop and it's still there. The pain will STILL be there Niall."

I look down at the blade in my hand. Then up at Harry's face seeing the genuine concern and pain in his eyes.

I drop the blade collapsing on the tiled floor in a mess of tears. Harry quickly wraps his arms around me and I sob into his shirt.

"Help me" I beg him quietly unable to take this anymore

"Okay, I will. I promise. But you have to quit this." He pulls me off his chest "stop living this way. Cause this isn't living. You Have to talk to me and the boys, you Have to eat and go to therapy!" I wipe the tears that refuse to stop falling off my face