Guilty

The truth

Waking up in the middle of the night. Completely sweaty, like you just passed a 20 mile run in no time. The heart is beating almost out of your chest and your whole body was shaking. Nothing new to me. The pictures were burned into my mind and I didn't know how I actually could get up day by day to smile into cameras, to smile to our fans who adored us, who saw us as their idols. My stomach turned upside down and I jumped out of my bed into the bathroom and throw up. Another thing which became normal. I sighted washed out my mouth and through some Coke water into my face. I felt disgusted against me every time I looked in the mirror after waking up like this. Suddenly, but somehow not even surprising for me, from the room at the end of the hall came screaming. Horrifying and terrible screaming. I rushed down the corridor and opened the door. I sat down on the bed, next to the person who didn't stop screaming until I touched his arm and started talking calmly.

"It's alright, wake up. You're safe. Nobody will harm you sshhhhh."

I patted the arm of one of my best friends. He slowly woke up, opened his eyes a bit and sighted.

"I did it again?", he asked with a husky voice. He cleared his throat and sat up. He looked at me and started to cry. His head fell against my chest and I patted his head, while he was crying in silent.

That was our routine. And we didn't know how to end it. When we thought it would get better it came back with one snap. Another person entered the room with sleepy eyes and a phone on his ear.

"Yeah they're awake too. Are you sure you're alright? I can pick you up and take you back here.", Suga yawned, but the answer to this question was no.

Shortly after that we lay next to each other in the large comfy bed and glanced at the roof. Jongkook between me and Suga. He stopped crying and was halfway asleep. My hands were crossed behind my head.

The pictures of blood and echoes of screams in my head were still there and I knew if I would fall asleep again... It would still haunt me down. This guilt... It wouldn't stop.

Our schedule at the moment was tight. Maybe a good thing so we wouldn't be alone with our thoughts and couldn't let them take over.

My eyes had dark circles underneath, our Make-up artists always said our manager should let us sleep more.

Today's schedule was recording for a special in two weeks. And afterwards just some practicing for the comeback. I was sitting next to Rap Mon and Jin. Jin looked even more exhausted than me. He wasn't in our flat last night, he went home for two days.

He didn't look like he enjoyed it. "Where is Jongkook?", our leader asked in a sharp tone.

"He should be here soon.", Jimin answered calmly.

It was very quiet in our dressing room. A while ago we always were joking around, but it all changed since the incident.

The door swung open and Jongkook came in. He just looked done with everything. Like he didn't care about anything anymore. His face seemed so numb. He could have my nickname instead of me, it would suit both of us.

He sat down on an empty chair and didn't say anything. "Where have you been again? Please be on time!", Rap Mon said serious.
Jongkook didn't response, maybe he didn't even hear what our leader just said. Maybe he was fighting against any kind of feels.
I'm sorry that Rap Mon has such a hard time because of us and that he didn't what actually was going on. We wanted to talk to him and the others so often, but every time we just hadn't the courage to do it. I think Jimin is sensing something and that he became very sensitive because of it. Rap Mon probably thinks he did something wrong or something happened between us and the band will not survive any longer. But the truth is so more terrifying.

Time to record. Time to wear the mask of happiness and joy. Dancing your ass off, maybe the only thing I still enjoy a little.
But we needed 5 takes, usually it was perfect after 1 or 2. When we finished', I could see Rap Mons angry face with disappointment in it. Our band was falling apart. And just because of us.
At the Studio we had a short break. Jin, Suga, Jongkook and me we were sitting down in the practice room.
"We should tell them."

"Yeah you are saying it like every second day. But how?", Suga asked and his head was down.
He was right I said that so often, but we never did it. Three weeks and we still stayed silent. But how long could we take it, before we completely broke down? I felt like to be at the edge to insanity. Jongkook said to me a couple of days ago, he would love to drown in his own tears. Suga was washing his hands like every five minutes if possible and cried alone by night. He wanted to stay strong like me. Jin already showed symptoms of a morbid paranoia, from time to time.

When the practice started J-Hope came in with Rap Mon and tried to calm him down for some reason. Obviously because of us.
"Okay let us start.", Rap Mon just said coldly and took position for the new song.
We took our start positions and the music dropped. We didn't last long, our concentration was just fcked up.

But that wasn't the only thing. Rap Mon started to yell. Really really loud.
"What the fck is wrong with you guys?"

Silence.
Namjoon cleard his throat and lowered his voice. "I am seriously! I have no clue what happened and what is going on here. It is like the Band breaks down, if something is bothering you with our team spirit you need to talk! We can't solve anything when all of you just do nothing. We are still a band and friends. We got through so many things, why not now? You know there is nothing we can't tell each other."

Jongkook fell on his knees and started crying, Jin too, but still was up on his feet. Jimin got down to Jongkook and hugged him. I could hear Jongkook say: "I can't take this shit anymore."
Namjoon looked puzzled, he didn't expect something like that? Wasn't it the right time now to tell them? Now or never? But my mouth was suddenly so dry and my tongue twisted. We could tell us everything? We trusted each other, didn't we? But would happen afterwards? We four already agreed we wouldn't quit the band, we wouldn't stop with our life dream. But if that carries on like this, we wouldn't last any longer.
I heard sobbing, and my head spinning around. My throat felt like burning and my eyes got wet.
Rap Mon was alone infront of us. Suga looked to me and nodded, his eyes were wet too.

I tried to swallow, but everything was so dry in my mouth. Tears went down my face, my hands turned into fists.
Now or never.
my heart was beating so loud, I wasn't sure I would hear my own words. I was shaking and didn't know how long my knees would hold me.
Now or never.
"We killed someone."