murderer - frerard

[008]

I didn't know how to feel about the drawing. I was torn between amazed and terrified. I slammed the book shut and slid it under my bed, hoping to forget about it.

I was startled awake, unaware I'd even fell asleep. Goddammit, I thought bitterly. It seemed like I could never get much sleep because of the bastard. Gerard was standing next to my dresser, looking down at my possessions.

I didn't think he realized I was awake as he moved silently to the corner of my room, his fingers brushing the strings of my guitar softly. They hummed quietly. Gerard turned around, and I snapped my eyes shut as quickly as possible, but I didn't think I'd fooled him.

Gerard was impossibly smart.

He reached under my bed and pulled out the sketchbook. I didn't understand how he knew it was there.

"Frank," He whispered. "I won't hurt you."

I didn't open my eyes.

"For fuck's sake," Gerard said desperately. "I don't think I want to hurt you. I know you're awake," he added, "Open your goddamn eyes."

I refused to look at him. "You sure as hell wanted to hurt me just a few days ago."

"Frank, I've been with you for a week now and what have I done that's posed a threat? Nothing! I know what I did that first night, and I won't do it again," he lowered his voice, "I really didn't plan on making a speech."

"I don't think I can trust you," I said simply, opening my eyes. I sure as hell wanted to believe Gerard, but he kept giving me reasons not to. "What about the...uh, sketch?"

His face flushed with color. It looked unnatural on his pale skin. "I thought you'd like it," He mumbled, embarrassed. That was shocking to me. I thought he drew me to freak me out or something. I looked away. "I - uh, I swear, I didn't mean for it to seem creepy or..I don't know. I'm sorry if you didn't like it," Gerard rambled.

"I don't trust you," I repeated. Everything felt so odd around Gerard. One day he was holding a knife to my throat and the next he was offering to - what? Be my friend? I thought I knew better than to be friends with someone I deemed psychopathic.

"I didn't expect you to," he said softly and turned to walk out. "I just kind of wish you'd hear me out. Trust me."

"I have no reason to." I was tired of talking to him. I think I liked it better when he sat at the table and sketched something unbeknownst to me in silence. Now that I knew it had been me that he'd been drawing and now that he was talking up some shit that made no sense, I longed for the quiet. "Don't come back over here, okay?"

Gerard didn't reply. He walked out with his head hanging low.

[]

I didn't see Gerard after that. I'd told him to stay away and that was exactly what he did. I found it pleasing that he actually listened to what I said, which seemed odd. I wasn't used to anyone listening to me.

Eventually, I grew lonely, though. My mom was never home and the house seemed almost too peaceful. Ray hadn't been over, either. I hadn't seen so much as a text from anyone in over a week. It had been four days since I'd last caught a glimpse of Gerard. He was walking home from my house with a pained expression.

I missed my own birthday.

It was weird. I found myself missing the presence of someone who, at one point, could have taken my life.

I hadn't bothered to show up to therapy lately, afraid I'd say something stupid about Gerard and Mikey. I didn't want Christina, my shitty therapist, to think I was any more mentally ill than she originally thought.

She'd been calling every week whenever I didn't attend, leaving voicemails on my phone. She always said something like, 'Frank, I know you're getting these calls. Please pick up!' or 'Frank, there's a group session next Wednesday, and I think you should come!' and it made me sick to my stomach.

I contemplated going. I knew if I didn't, Christina would probably call my mom, who'd make me go for sure. However, no one could force me to speak.

Wednesday rolled around, and I took it upon myself to walk alone in the rain to therapy. Fuck it, I thought.

So, I took my chair and stared at my lap until it was time to begin.