Into the Heart of a Killer: Memoirs of an Assassin

Chapter Five

"We don't get to see each other anymore," he said with a frown.

"I know," I said apologetically.

"I don't mean to blame you," Tane said hurriedly.

"I know," I repeated, giving him a small smile. "My fa—uh, my... my father." I cringed inwardly at calling Ceseth my father. When I was just coming into his tutelage, I had been just as naïve as Tane, thinking that maybe Ceseth would have been more like a father, or a good male figure at the very least. Mother and I weren't very good at finding luck in men, it seemed. But Tane was a "good egg," as Mother would've said. He was soft, sweet, and kind. He wouldn't have killed a squirrel. He would've buried it, if he had, but he wouldn't have. Tane didn't hurt people. Not even their feelings.

"Your father? He asked. "Doesn't your mother come and let you play."

I stared at him before looking at my feet and awkwardly shuffling them.

"Oh," Tane said. He sounded sorry. "I didn't mean..."

I gave him a cheery smile. He looked confused. "Don't be sorry," I clarified. "I didn't know her."

I caught myself in the lie. It's what Ceseth would want me to do – to lie.

"Oh," Tane looked at me and rubbed his forehead. "Do you wanna meet my mother?"

I was taken back by his question. He had never told me about his family before, much less asked me if I wanted to meet them.

"I don't know if my dad would like that," I said.

"It's okay, I don't have a dad. I'd like to meet yours."

I immediately realized the folly of my lie. What was Tane thinking? I couldn't let Ceseth see him. More lies were coming to the tip of my tongue. The next lie could very well save his life. "My dad is busy all the time, you know? I'm sure he'd love to meet you and your mom, but I don't know when he'd get the time. It's the reason why I don't get to come see you very often. I wish I could see you more often, though." I had hoped the final sentence would dissuade him from furthering the conversation, but I was wrong.

"Whenever he is free one night," Tane said, "tell him he's invited to dinner. Mother loves having guests. It makes her feel less lonely, I think."

"What's..." I started to ask a question and then thought better of it. "Never mind."

"Tell me, please?" Tane said. He sat down on the ground and patted the space beside him, inviting me to join him. I couldn't resist.

"I'm just curious," I said, choosing my words carefully. "I don't know what it's like to have a real mother." Now that wasn't a lie. Not really. Mother had taken care of me to the best of her ability. Ceseth continuously told me that she didn't love me and didn't want me and that she hadn't, in fact, taken care of me adequately. Even if I didn't believe it, I knew that she wasn't a normal mother. He didn't play catch with me like the other moms did with their kids. Sometimes I even saw the dads play catch.

"It's lovely," Tane said, getting a suddenly dreamy look on his face. "I don't know how to explain it to you, really. She plays with me and tucks me in at night and reads me stories. Sometimes she sings me lullabies. She teaches me my letters and numbers. She fixes me food and makes me clothes and blankets and sometimes she buys me new toys for my birthday."

I listened to him intently as he spoke. The way he talked about it made it seem like a truly wonderful thing to have a mother. It made me realize how completely incompetent my mother had been. She had never read to me, or snag to me, or play with me. She fixed me food, but only because I needed it to survive. She didn't celebrate my birthday, but she also didn't celebrate her own.

"What kind of things does she read to you?" I asked, resting my elbow on my knee and putting my chin in my palm. Tane seemed so excited to talk about his mother.

"All sorts of things," Tane started. "She tells me stories of dragons and knights. She tells me of kings and queens. Sometimes," he lowered his voice and leaned in closer to me. "Sometimes she even reads me histories. So they're all real!"

I looked at him in surprise. "Really?" I asked. "I want to know the history of dragons..."

"No, not dragons," he laughed at me and leaned back. "Kings and queens and knights. We still have them, but she tells me stories of old kings and queens and famous knights."

"Oh," I looked at him and bit my lip. "Will you tell me one of the stories?"

Tane's eyes lit up with a childlike wonder that I had lost. I wanted to be able to be as excited as he was about these things. I wanted to feel the love and passion he felt for his mother and for his life. My life wasn't going anywhere. His was, I knew. One day, he'd find a nice woman and have the kind of family Ceseth had taken away from me. I wasn't even given the possibility of ever being a mother. I wouldn't get to sing to my children at night. I wouldn't get to read them bedtime stories, or tuck them in. We wouldn't play catch, and I wouldn't be able to heal them when they were sick, and laugh with them when they were well. I had never cared about being a mother before, but hearing Tane talk about his with such fervor? I regretted the life I would never have.

"Well, she told me one last night I think you'll really like," Tane began, and I brought my attention back to him.

"What's it about?"

"It's about the first dragon..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: The italics don't move over to Wattpad when I copy/paste from Microsoft Word, and so thoughts that would usually be italicized or words that are italicized in the original manuscript won't be italicized here. Sorry about that, everyone.