Defiance (Harry Potter)

Chapter 12

The next morning, Sirius comes to wake me up for breakfast. I put on an oversized hoodie and jeans. And by oversized, I mean giant.
When I go downstairs, I put a single piece of bacon on my plate. I don't even eat it. "Are you okay Sky?" James asks. The Hogwarts train leaves in half an hour. I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just not hungry." I say with a small smile. From the suspicious look Sirius gives me, he doesn't believe me.
When it's time to leave for the Hogwarts express, Sirius appearates us five minutes early. "Sky? What was that?" He asks. I shrug, playing dumb. "I don't know what you mean." I say. Then my stomach growls. "That's what I mean, Sky." Sirius sighs. I grab my trunk and head for the train. "You don't understand." I exclaim before heading to the Slytherin part of the train with tears in my eyes.
"Hey guys." I say, sliding into the compartment with my Slytherin friends. And Bella. "Hey Sky." Lucy says. "We've already gotten stuff from the trolley. Fancy a licorice wand?" He asks. I shake my head. "No thanks." Sev looks at me weirdly. "You never turn down a licorice wand." He says. I shrug. "I guess I just don't want one today." I say.
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Over the next few months, my plan works perfectly. By February the tenth, I only weigh 106 pounds. It's still not enough though. Hopefully I can get down to at least 95 pounds before summer.
I'm not sure Sirius loves me anymore. He says it, and he kisses me, but never for long. James is only worried about me having another panic attack, and Remus always looks at me sadly. I don't understand. Did they want me to be fat?
The next day, I decide to confront Sirius about whether or not he loves me. I pull him up to the Room Of Requirement, and sit down in one of the armchairs it's provided. "Do you still love me?" I ask. Sirius sighs. "I do love you. I just don't love your anorexia." I look at him, dumbfounded. "That's not what it is!" I exclaim. "It's just an excuse for you to avoid me!" I exclaim. Sirius sighs again. "When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" He asks. I stay silent. "Exactly." He says. "You avoiding me hasn't helped." I say. Sirius closes his eyes for a moment. "Come here." He says.
When I do, he takes my hands and puts them on my waist, where I can feel bones jutting out. "Wherever I kiss you and put my hands on your waist, this is what I feel." He says. "I don't want to feel that. I want to feel that you're taking care of yourself, not starving yourself." He says. I'm tempted to give in to him, but my mother's face in my head stops me. "Sirius, you don't understand. All I've ever wanted is my mum's approval, and if this is the way to get it, so be it." I say with a wave of my hands. "Sky." Sirius says in a pleading voice. "I'm sorry. It seems that I can never be what anybody wants." I say. Sirius gets a pained look on his face. "That's not true. You're always what I want. I just don't want you to get hurt. I love you."
"I just want to love me." I say. "But it's too hard." Sirius sighs. "I don't know what to say anymore. Goodnight Sky." And then he's gone.
I let out a frustrated scream and throw a pillow at the wall. Fourth semester starts in two days, and I'm leaving tomorrow at two. I decide it's time to say my goodbyes, so I head to the common room before the Marauders go to bed. Sirius is there.
James stands up and runs over to me, and hugs me tightly. "I only just realized today that you were leaving tomorrow! I'm sorry!" I smile sadly. "It's okay. We'll still have the holidays." James lets a single tear roll down his cheek. "I'm the only one who doesn't have to go to class tomorrow." He says, releasing me.
I walk over to Remus and give him a tight hug, which he returns. I barely see Sirius stiffen out of the corner of my eye. Why does he care? He practically dumped me. "Goodbye Sky. We'll miss you. And please, for the love of Godric, take care of yourself." I wrap my arms around him tighter. "I promise." I say, giving him a short peck on the cheek, which makes him turn red.
Next I turn to Peter. He's never been my favorite person, but I hug him anyway. "Goodbye Sky." He says. "Goodbye Peter." I say, also giving him a peck on the cheek. I glance at Sirius, but he's not even turned toward me.
The Marauders and I spend until two a.m. in the common room, when everyone is asleep. One after one, they hug me again, promising to write, before going to bed. Finally, I'm alone. I grab the closest pillow and bury my face in it, sobbing. Finally I decide to take a walk.
I go up to James's dorm, where he's not sleeping. I don't think anybody but Peter is, actually. "I need dad's cloak." I say shakily. They gave it to James's, but we share it. "Are you okay?" He asks. "Dandy." I reply. "Cloak please." James hands it over, and I leave the room.
I put the cloak on and slip outside, walking to the Black Lake, which is still frozen over. Slowly, I put a foot on it, testing to see if it will hold my weight. It does. I took figure skating lessons as a way to prove myself to my parents. I thought I was good, but my parents thought it was a waste of money. Five years, until I was twelve.
I shed the cloak and step out onto the ice. I start with simple moves, such as figure eights and using only one leg. Then I start the more complicated moves. I jump and turn, spinning all over the ice. I only fall once. Then I turn and see Professor Dumbledore.
"Could you not sleep, Mrs. Potter?" I shake my head. "No Sir." Professor Dumbledore smiles. "I must say that I am greatly sad that you're being transferred. I take it that this is something you didn't want?" I shake my head. "No Sir."
"Numbing the pain will make it worse when you finally feel it, Mrs. Potter." He says. "Believe me, I know." I nod my head. "Thank you, Professor." I say, turning toward the castle. "You are very welcome." He says.
When I get back to the castle, I walk into James's dorm. Everyone is asleep, except for Sirius. I motion for him to follow me. I walk down into the common room, with him following me. "Do it." I say. "Do what?" Sirius asks. "Dump me. I know you're going to." I say. Sirius looks conflicted. "N-no I wasn't." He says. "You were thinking about it." I say. Sirius sighs. "Yes I was. I was only thinking about it." He says. I give him a sad look. "Sirius Black, I love you, but when you're doubting whether or not you love me, I don't want to date you." Sirius's face pales.
"Sky...." He says. I turn and walk out. "I'll go find out who my real friends. I'll see you in the summer Sirius. Have a nice time with all the girls you can get because I'm gone." I say a bit coldly. It was a low blow, because Sirius has changed, but I couldn't stop myself. I leave Sirius with a look of hurt on his face, and even tears cascading down his face.
I run to the Slytherin dorms, crying. I whisper the password. "Slughorn." And run to the boy's dorm. For some odd reason, they're already awake. I said goodbye yesterday, and now I'll have to say it again. My Slytherin friends know of my....... Eating problem.
"Sky? What's wrong?" Lucy asks, seeing my tears. "Was it my brother?" Reggie asks. I nod. Reggie lets out a growl. "That piece of dragon dung!" Sev says, hugging me. "Do you wanna go to the kitchen and get some ice cream?" Lucy asks. Why does it matter? I have nobody to be pretty for anymore. Sirius probably detests me, and I'll hardly see my parents anymore. I nod. All my friends looked shocked. Probably because I'm going to eat something.
Lucy gets Cissy, but not Bella. When we get down to the kitchens, I hear Reggie say, "Get out." I hear a familiar chuckle. "She's not the only one that matters." Sirius says. Then Lucy gets defensive. "No, maybe not to you, but she is to all of us. This is her last chance to eat in these kitchens. I know you don't care, but we do. So either you leave of your own will, or we'll make you." He says in a threatening tone. Cissy steps up and puts a hand on his arm. "It's okay, Lucy. I'm sure Sky just wants to say goodbye to the house elves and go snuggle up in either Your, Sev's, or Reggie's beds. She's hurting and doesn't want a place that has memories of him. She says. I hug her. "Thank you for understanding." I say. She smiles. "Of course."
So I say goodbye to my house elf friends, and we all get bowls of ice cream. Me with two. "Get the door ready." I whisper to Sev. He nods. At last minute, I run up to Sirius and dump one of the ice creams in his hair. "Run!" I yell.
We finally make it to the Slytherin dorms with Sirius on our heels. I start laughing so hard I get stitches in my side. "His face though!" I yell. We sit up the rest of the night talking about memories. As the sun is rising, and I have to leave for my dorm, Reggie hands me another journal. "All of us have one of these. Instructions are written on the inside of how to send pictures." He says. I hug them all tightly, saying goodbye one more time. "I love you all. I hope to see you over the summer, because Merlin knows I'm not going home." I say.
When I get back to my dorm, classes have already begun. James and I don't do anything all day except a lot of hugging. Classes end at 1:45, which is when I get called into Dumbledore's office. "I wish you well, Mrs. Potter." He says. "Thank you Professor." I say, before my mother jerks me out of the room. "If I hear one bad thing, young lady, you will be in a world of hurt. Do I make myself clear?" She says. I nod. "Yes Mother."
When we get to Durmstrang, Headmaster Lucnusis is there to meet us. "Hello Mrs. Potter. We've already prepared your room for you. Since you're the only girl, you get your own room." He says with a smile. "Thank you Headmaster." I reply.
I'm left to settle in after my mother leaves. The room is red and gold. At least they've tried to make the transition easier. I don't sleep that night. Around 3 a.m. I get a letter from James.
Dear Sky,
I know we have different times, but I didn't think that you'd be sleeping. I miss you terribly already. So does Sirius, even if he won't admit it. Remus keeps reading, and Peter keeps eating. Nothing has changed except that you're gone. When Remus read today, he's trying to keep you out of his head, and when Peter eats, he's trying to do the same. Although I hate to admit it, I also tried to ignore the hole in my heart by playing quidditch. Sirius isn't even trying. He's just laying on his bed with the curtains pulled around it. He even skipped practice. Although I hope, I doubt I'll see you at home this summer. One good thing came out of this. Lily hugged me! She said, "I know your sister leaving must be terrible. I'm sorry." And then she hugged me! I have to go now. It's dinner time.
All my love,
James
I curl up into bed and let the tears begin. After a while, I don't notice them. I just let the weight of the world rock me to sleep.