Impossibly Certain [dan howell]

t w e l v e

Rain splattered against the roof of our apartment as a depressing gloom seeped in through the window of my room. Clothes are strewn across my floor, cups and empty bowls have piled up on my bed side table, and honestly, I couldn't care less. So many emotions have built up inside me, embarrassment, confusion, fear—I can hardly think of trying to stay organized. Part of me wishes I could never see Dan ever again, but my hand cradled my phone wishing for him to call.

Maybe it way five minutes or maybe it was five hours, but Kayla knocked on my door. I didn't respond, but she came through the door anyway.

"I know you're in here, I can hear you breathing," she said. I rolled over, uncovering my head from the copious blankets and pillows on top of me—my attempt at blocking out the world.

"Hey there," she said softly, "Do you want to get dinner?" she asked.

"Not really," I groaned, rolling back into my cocoon. I heard her sigh, ripping the blankets off of me.

"Fee, you really need to get out of the house, it's been what? A week?" she said, getting up and picking me out an outfit.

"I'm making you get the take out tonight, I don't care how heartbroken you are." She said, throwing me a sweatshirt and jeans.

"I'm not heart broken," I said, sitting up.

She rolled her eyes, and I got out of bed, seeing my ghastly image in the mirror. "Bullshit, Fee. You're embarrassed that Dan found out about your feelings, and you're even more embarrassed that he didn't reciprocate."

"Fuck off, Kayla." I said, angrily throwing my clothes on the floor with the rest, putting on the sweatshirt.

"Look at you! You can't even clean anymore, you're not acting like yourself!" She said.

"Maybe this is how I want things to be! Just because Dan discovered I had a stupid little crush on him doesn't mean I'm heartbroken!" I said, throwing my hands in the air.

She laughed, "Fee, look at you, you're a mess. Dan did this to you." She said, quieter now.

"He did nothing! He did nothing and that's what fucking hurts the most!" I said, my eyes tearing up.

"See? This isn't some little crush, you felt for Dan and you're in denial because you don't want to be any hurt than you already are." She said. I shook my head.

"Stop." I said, backing away.

"Fee, why are you so afraid of falling in love?" She asked. I felt every emotion swirl inside me, and I couldn't take it anymore. I burst.

"Well at least I don't sleep around like a fucking whore!" I yelled back, and she drew her eyebrows together.

"What did you just fucking call me?" She asked, and I pushed past her, shoving on my shoes. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

I opened the door and ran down the stairs out of my building, and I just ran. I ran down the streets until I was far away from everybody and everything. I pushed past people, their complaints far behind me, and I just ran.

I finally got tired, seeing a bar across the street and I entered, my hair and clothes soaked with rain. I looked around, it was fairly packed. The lights were down low, and the bar and floor were made of a dark wood. Old pictures hung on the walls, and some soft rock was playing. I sat down at the bar, no doubt looking like a mess, but I ordered a beer.

I sat in my seat, ripping apart a napkin, when I heard a voice from behind me.

"Ophelia?"