When did it all go so wrong? (Up for adoption)

Part 6

I died the night I couldn't love you, Sean.
I let out a sob. 'No... Nonono... Is this... Is this my fault?'

The night he came back for me.

I loved you with everything.

My heart, my body and soul.

I am sorry I couldn't be there for you.

I am sorry I couldn't be good enough for you.

At least you're happy.
'I can't be happy without you...'

The night I lost you, the night we fought.

I went numb, and ceased to feel.

Ceased to be.

When James came back...

That was when I first cut.

I just needed to feel something.

After a while it wasn't enough.

I thought if I cut deeper and spilled more of my blood I would at least make me feel alive.

It worked for a while, but in the end it just left me hollower than before.

I tried to keep it together, for my family and friends and fans, but you know something?

You don't need me any more.
'I need you Mark... You have no idea...'

None of you do.

I just cause you more pain and suffering than I'm worth.

Because I lied.

I am not Mark.

Not anymore.

I am nothing without you.
I hugged my arms to my chest as I sobbed.

You don't need me.

None of you do.

How can I take care of everyone else when I can't take care of myself?

I can't.

Not anymore.

I used to be able to, before this all started.

I just can't remember how anymore.

I sit here and remember the fight we had.

You told me to leave and the words you used cut me more than any blade ever did.

Don't worry.

I am going now.
'It's all my fault! Oh my God... My best friend is dying at his own hand because of me... This can't be happening... These things don't happen to people like Mark... He is so kind and happy and giving... I can't live with out you...'

I feel so tired, my vision is becoming blurred, and I know I must go soon, but wait.

There is some wisdom I still need to depart on you.

The last order I shall give you is the one to do what you want.

I was only trying to protect you all.

I am sorry.

I won't do it again.

Promise.

I was a bad leader.

I know it.

So, do what you want, and maybe you'll see why I was the way I was.

Sean, my best friend, my imaginary right-hand-man, the only person I ever truly loved. I am so sorry for hurting you. I will never be able to forgive myself but I hope that someday you can forgive me. Please Sean.... Please don't forget me.
'I won't forget you... Because you won't die... You... You can't die...'

And please.

Go off make the world better...

Go be yourself, and be happy.

Go make me proud.

I am tired of this.

That's why I'm leaving.

I want out.

I can't take it anymore.

I need a break.

I need to be free.

I loved you guys all with all my heart.

I hope you're happy.

Without me.

All I can say is that I tried.

But It was too hard.

So this is Goodbye.
'No! Goddamn it, this can't be it!' The pain in my heart was so overwhelming all I could do is cry.

Felix, my amazing, crazy friend.
I loved you like a brother

Wade, you big goof ball.
You are so amazing. You gave me hope and brought me just a little bit of happiness when I needed it most. I can never repay you.

Bob, one of my closest and oldest friends.
Thank you for staying by me all those years. I don't know what I did to deserve you.

I wish I could see your faces one more time, but it's too late for me.
It isn't, Mark! It can't be...! You will see our faces soon...

The darkness is creeping in around me.

Don't cry for me, I was already dead.

I just need you to know that everything I did, I did for you.

All of you.

You can't catch me this time...

You can't save me...

But you can let me go....'
I will never let you go...

We all were sobbing.

"There's something else..." She said quietly.

What else is there...
I don't know how much more I can take...