I Know Why The Rain Never Lasts

03.

A week after that, I force myself to go to class despite my bad colds. Jev hasn't called me in since the last time we talked. The school mourns with a silence I've never heard before. Rain pelts the pavements, and I notice its unsteady course. Sobs and painful cries echo in the hallways, painting the atmosphere dark and gray. Someone is dead. I find my seat in class and dial Jev, seeing if he'll ever think about coming to class today. But he doesn't answer, the quiet rings stretch on ceaselessly. Behind me I hear murmurs that stab me straight in the heart.

"Who's Jev? Did he commit suicide?"

"I heard he overdosed. He was suffering from a severe mental illness."

"I don't even know who Jev is but he seems to have a number of friends."

I feel as if the walls are constricting by each word. I can't even cry, so I run. I run without stopping. I run until the cold rain blurs my vision. I run until the suffocating pain in my chest is replaced with angry, hopeless sobs. Don't leave me too soon. I barge into his apartment, my eyes sweeping around to see if what everyone has said becomes a lie. I slowly walk into his room, each step rendering harder than the last.

The canvas stands alone in the big room. On it is a portrait of me smiling, bringing me back to our first day in the library. A small envelop lays on the floor. I open it up to see a letter scribbled in his handwriting. It says:

Mare :)

You're the reason why I held on for a few more days. The night before I got to finally talk to you, I contemplated about suicide. But you stopped me without even knowing.

Mare, please remember me. Remember that you gave me a sense of purpose in my last days. I wanted to love you within a number of days. I wanted to empty myself into you before I leave. I want you to hold me in your heart for as long as you can.

Mare, the rain never lasts so please be happy. Don't worry about me. And I'm sorry for leaving too soon.

Love, Jev

Then people in black coats come pouring into the room. That's the last time I've ever seen his apartment again.

I never bring with me an umbrella ever again. I stand under the rain like the first day we met. I let it soak me with rainwater, and with memories of Jev. I never want to let him go. I want the rain to last but it never does. It goes without a whisper of a breath. Sometimes it begs to be free from an ungrateful world. People despise the rain, but I don't.

I love the rain.

I miss the rain.