Dear Harry (Larry Stylinson)

~Niall x

Dear Lou,

You have no idea what your loss has done to everybody who loved, and cared about you. I still toss, and turn at night wondering why you were selfish enough to take your own life away, just to leave the ones you left heartbroken. I want to be angry at you. I really do, but no matter how hard I try I just can't be because that anger eventually turns into heartbreak because I miss you so much. I still can't believe it took you taking your own life away for me to realize how heartbroken you truly were. Now that i'm thinking back at our memories together I finally noticed how much I have hurt you which only makes me feel worse.

I'm still not sure what i'm trying to say, or why I am even writing this letter but I just want you to know that I miss you Lou. I miss you so much that I can't help but hear my heart crack every time I see stripes. That my whole body aches whenever I see fans wearing toms. That I can't help but tear up whenever somebody mentions your name. Fuck, I hate this. I hate not being able to see you smile whenever somebody says something smart. I hate no being able to cry on your shoulder whenever somebody tells me i'm not good enough. I hate not being able to talk to you like I used to. I hate not being able to see you everyday at rehearsal. I hate not being able to just hear you laugh one more time because it made my day ten times better whenever I knew you were happy.

I miss you, Lou. I miss every little thing about you. I miss how your hair falls perfectly to the side every morning. I miss how your eyes lit up whenever you were around your family. I miss how you used to tie the strings of your jacket into a bow tie. I miss how you rolled up the ends of your jeans so they wouldn't get dirty. I miss how you stir your tea with a pen. I miss how sassy you were whenever somebody said something hostile towards you. Fuck, I miss everything about you because everything is just so goddamn perfect.

Another thing I wanted to tell you is that the boys miss you. They really do. You have no idea how heartbroken they were when they found out that their buddy Louis wasn't coming around anymore. Liam locked himself his bedroom for days, not speaking a word to anybody. You have no idea how sad it was hearing his light sobbing at night as he cried himself to sleep.

Zayn, well...you know how he is. He doesn't like showing his emotions so he hid them away like it was nothing until the lights were out, and he thought nobody could hear his sobbing. Perrie has tried comforting him many times but he just pushes her away like nothing. I guess finding out that the cuddly boobear he grew to love has passed away changed his attitude. I’ve never seen him so hateful, and quiet in the three years of knowing him.

But the one i'm mainly worried about is Harry. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. You have no idea how many times I’ve found him sitting on his bed re-reading your journal. He probably has the whole thing memorized by now.

He refuses to let anybody read it, and gave us very little details about your letter you had written to him. He assured us that we weren't the reason you had taken your own life, but it didn't make me feel any better. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for your death because I should have known. I should have realized how miserable you had been over the years, but I guess I was just oblivious to the matter.

The main reason I had written this letter is because I wanted to apologize. I know it doesn't really do any good now due to the fact that it's too late, but I still want you to know how terrible I feel. I'm so sorry you had to go through that Lou, and I wish so badly that I would realized the signs sooner. Between all the rehearsals, and sold out shows I guess you could say I was overwhelmed. Half the time I couldn't even remember how to tie my shoes.

I want to also apologize for my rubbish handwriting. I like to blame being left handed for my lack of neatness, but it's probably because my hand won't seem to stop shaking along with my whole body. My heart aches so badly, and I just feel like bursting into tears all the time. You have no idea how many times I’ve found myself sitting in the bathtub with the razor gently pressed to my skin. Just on quick moment, one slice and i'm done. I'm free. I'm free to be whoever I want, and do whatever I want because nobody could tell me what to do once my veins drained out. Nobody could control me, anymore. Not my parents, not the tabloids, and definitely not management.

Fuck, why can't I just....forget you? Why can't I just forget, and move on with my life? That's all I want is to move on, and be myself again. I want to be the same guy I was a month ago before this all happened. I want to be the one who is constantly laughing like before. I want to be the one who made everybody's day better. I want to be the one that looked forward to waking up each morning. I want to be the one who couldn't wait to perform for a live audience. I want to be myself again....

But I just...can't. I can't without you.

~Niall x