Falling on My Face

i

Sunday 8:09 PM

He wants it.
It's not really hard to tell what though, as we are sitting across from each other at dinner. Not the food I mean.
Sex.
Of course.
There's no 'not all men' argument to it because I want it to it's just inconvenient at the moment. Plus I wasn't going to waste a great dinner since I'm paying. We're having steak but, I know he hates it. He squirms and keeps checking his phone- God it's annoying-
"I'm sorry I didn't pick a better place to eat."
He puts his phone down and takes a small bite. "It's okay." He really doesn't have to lie.
I sigh as our poor attempts to make conversation echo in the empty restaurant. How are we together? What did I do to find someone so great despite me being a mess?
Oh yeah. I gave him a blowjob.

"Are you done?" The waitress comes by and offers him the bill. Becoming shocked as she sees me take it and put my card on top. She leaves and he stands, "I need to go to the bathroom." I nod and lean on my arm sighing as I'm left alone with the worse company ever.

My thoughts.

The idea of bolting is too surreal and being realistic I wouldn't make it that far. Plus I'd wanted this relationship so I had to at least make it work. Although it made me anxious and weird inside. Being 17 is weird. It's like I know everything but not really. But I'm too obnoxious to say that aloud of course.
The waitress returns and boxes his left over food along with mine. As I thank her he returns, ready to leave to his car. Carrying out food, I'm excited.
I never know what's gonna happen in his car. Plus we'd been out for only an hour and a half we would have plenty of tim- I often think I'm weird for being so perverse to affection. I'm tired of mental. I want physical.

"Hey remember when..." I began a small memory lane visit over his music on the ride home while my mind is only thinking about continuing our evening somewhere else. I like making him laugh. He's the cutest boy ever and I just want to... I don't even know.

I mean I try looking at him like he's the best because he is. I try hugging him like he's my everything. I try making our kisses feel electric but instead I panic if this is really enough to make a spark. I try offering words of comfort to him when he's depressed and wishing to run away but stays for a number of things... Myself included. But, I feel like these are all attempts because how do you show love to someone who looks at you like your the world when you think of yourself so low? I don't know either.
I'm sure I'm not even capable to love even.

I hadn't realized we were at my home until he stopped and gets out. Gathering my leftovers, Food and thought, I wonder what is he up to. He never gets out when he takes me home. "Are you ok-"
He buries his face into my chest and takes a deep breath. "I need you."
I'm taken back. I only know what I've seen on tv and the movies. I wrap my arms around him the best I could. He's almost a foot taller than me and kiss into his hair, telling him 'I love you', and squeezing him into a tighter hug. I needed him but, the phrase wouldn't make it out.
He pulls away wiping his eyes and gives a weak smile. Kissing me lightly before heading to his car. "I love you."
"I love you too." I wave as he takes off and let out a sigh I hadn't known I had held in. If I love someone I shouldn't feel oblivious to them should I? It should be second nature to be caring for them- not what I do...

My parents are awake still. Never moving their eyes from the TV as I come in the door and ask why I'm back so early. I tell them he had a bad night and that's enough for them. I wish it was enough for me as I get ready for bed. I mean lie in bed until I'm too bored and finally sleep.
My conversation with him continue though, through texts, he tells me that he wants to leave. That it's too much and I comfort him.

3:17
He's fallen asleep and it occurs to me that his problems keep me up at night. I don't know why some of the most considerate people are carried through hell and back. But, I'm an exception because there's nothing considerate about me. My eyes close and remind myself I do need sleep.

******
New story I wrote a while back but I'm just starting to do anything to it. Plus trying a new writing style do you like it??? Idk why but it makes me get these weird vibes writing like this. Lol