Blue

Prologue

I pulled my knees up and sat in the middle of the floor, clutching my arms and pressing my nails deeper into the cuts on my palms.

The physical pain brought a different focus from the emotions. A distraction. Because although the cuts and bruises stung and pulsed, it was never as much as the mortification and embarrasment. As much as the defeat and emotional pain did.

And for a short while it worked, and the little voice in my mind dimmed.

*~*

There was no lie I could muster up to protect her from the truth.

I was still sopping wet, dripping onto the carpet of my mother's office, watching fearfully as she paced before me. Anger poured from her and I knew any excuse would be shut down with a withering glance.

"What happened this time?" She finally spoke, her charcoal eyes glaring at me behind a pair of spectacles. I flinched, not because her voice was sudden and unexpected, but because it caused my fear to spike. My head pulsed and I realized the fall did a lot more damage than I first thought.

I whispered a small, "I don't know," in the hopes that it would suffice.

It didn't.

Her fierce scowl deepened and the glare I thought couldn't get colder intensified. "You don't know? You're bleeding, you're soaking wet and you were late. And all you can say to this is 'I don't know'?" Her hand slammed against the hardwood of the desk and I flinched, jumping up in the seat. "I don't know?!"

"Yes, Mom, I don't know." I replied weakly. She would never lay a hand against me, but she could do ten times the damage a punch could. My mother was intimidating, strong and cold, and with a mother like that, fear came easily.

Mom's mouth set into a tight line as she stared at me. Her eyes were as shuttered as Cobalt's but I could still see remnants of anger.

"You are such a disappointment Teal."

My heart dropped.

Her words repeated over and over in my head and my breathing came out harsher as my eyes began to sting again.

Mom hung her head in her hands, a position of defeat as if she had given up. "I don't know what to do with you anymore. I had such high hopes, I expected you to be the opposite-"

She suddenly cut off. The room became silent but my heart still felt heavy with sadness. I felt like a failure, a disgrace. Why couldn't I be better? Why couldn't I be the girl everyone loved?

What was wrong with me?

I wanted to say I was sorry, that I'll be better next time. That maybe when Cobalt decided to pick on me I would try and stand up to him. But they would be lies.

I was cowardly. I was spineless.

"Get out, Teal. Go home. I won't let you stay at school looking like this." Her voice had returned back to it's normal state; detatched with the underlying tone of disappointed. A tear managed to escape and I swiped at it angrily, mad that I had showed her a weakness.

*~*

I was a shivering mess by the time I arrived on my doorstep.

The will to even bother to put one step in front of the other collapsed when my car had broken down and left me with the only option to get out and walk the rest of the way. I was cold, shuddering as the slick clothes slapped against my skin, and tired. So, so tired.

My body screamed for the gentle spray of my shower, and I didn't deny the privelige quickly dumping my bag in my bedroom and heading to the shower. Beneath the soft pound of the water, I checked over myself, wincing at the aching muscles and bruises that marred my body.

You deserve it. It seemed as though the voice was back and stronger than ever.

My fingers brushed against my chin and I close my eyes. Before my thoughts stray to the darker, more forbidden thoughts I step out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel. The floor is slippery and I carefully step toward the door. But I paused.

Turning toward the fogged mirror, I looked at the shadow of me with curiousity. In a simple swipe, I cleaned the mirror enough to see a clear reflection of myself and watch as a girl stares back in the same position.

Blonde hair turned dark from the water, pale skin that seemed to be drained from colour and dim, dull blue eyes reflected back at me. From what used to be a healthy girl with a smile always permenantly on her face, was now someone soaked in defeat.

A prick of the eyes warned me that I'm about to cry, and I don't stop as the torrent of tears spill over both cheeks. A sob and a sniffle broke the silence and I can barely open my eyes enough to see through my watery vision.

Weak, hissed the voice in my head.

I shook my head, wishing the voice away.

Pathetic, it grew louder, clouding over any other thoughts. Dark thoughts spread throughout my mind like a mist. Questions clutched at my mind and I wrapped my hands around my head as if to make it all disappear.

Spineless coward.

I cried out as if physically hurt. "Stop! Stop, please." My hands slam themself onto the basin and my arm aches as pain shoots through me. The voice doesn't go away this time, it seems as if I had only intensified it.

Why even bother? You'll never amount to anything.

Failure.

I screamed. I needed it gone, I needed it all to go.

My hands clawed at the side of the mirror, tearing it open. One of the shelves held an orange bottle and my hands grasp at it eagerly and greedily. The lid popped open and the rattle of all the pills inside made me realize how badly I was shaking. It was a fleeting thought, gone before I could grasp it as I raised the bottle higher and higher, my heart beating erraticly.

Then the doorbell rings and the spell is broken.

The bottle of pills drop from my hand and the sound of pills scattering everwhere is almost ear-splitting. I can't help but stare at the floor in disbelief and fear.

And, perhaps, a little regret.

But it didn't matter, because the purpose of it was accomplished anyway. After the person at the door stepped off my doorstep and grave news echoed in my mind, it made it all that much easier to grab another set of pills from the medication cabinet and repeat my actions, only with a different outcome.

*~*

This needed to be cleaned up a long time ago. Oh my Jesus how dreadfully written was my work. But I guess when I look back on it in the future, this will appear to look terrible and so forth.

Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. If there are any questions you need answering, feel free to ask them. Like, seriously, no one's going to bite your head off (: