A Guide to Being Super

Rule #1

On a side note: since Yolanda was the one who distracted me that day, I think we can blame everything that happened to me on her as well. It seems only fair.

So there I was, watching in a way that could only be described as curious as two idiots fought in front of a mentally deranged woman. It was like a car crash, or an argument between two of those Real Housewives women, I just couldn't look away. The men were jumping over seats and shooting their various beams at each other, looking like little kids that had to pee. I swear even Tom Cruise, who was beating up bad guys onscreen and looking way cooler, stopped to watch as they made complete fools of themselves.

But as the fun of watching them faded, I started to consider breaking up the fight before someone actually got hurt. It was only a matter of time before they realized they were at a stalemate and have a "until we meet again" moment (they thought they seemed like the Batman and the Joker but instead it was more like Casablanca). Before I could, Daring Dan, who, like I said, had absolutely horrible aim, shot me straight in the chest with one of his bolts of electricity.

Yes, my origin story is like The Flash (sort of). I am seriously just that cool.

I'd like to say that I said something awesome on my way down, something about how I always knew it would end this way, but I didn't. Instead I blacked out and woke up in the hospital the next morning.

I'm sure if you asked them, doctors everywhere would recommend letting patients wake up on their own, but my mother has never been one to listen to the advice of, you know, professionals. So she woke me up by shaking my shoulder and "lightly" slapping my face until I opened my eyes. It was like I was late getting up for school, except for the fact that I was in a hospital bed and had almost died. My step dad, Ron, was there too, standing in the corner with his customary cup of coffee. He was always the one to be more patient with me. Ron was cool like that.

"Thank god you're awake," my mom said. "I thought you were dead."

"Weren't the heart monitors a pretty good indication that I was alive?"

My mom rolled her eyes and started straightening out my sheets. "You never know with those things. The government could have been faking your heart beats so they could steal you away for some Captain America project."

Captain America: another superhero cooler than Daring Dan and also the only superhero my mom knew the name of. And that was only because Chris Evans was a "hunk."

"Honey, this is what happens when you don't sleep. You start talking crazy," Ron said, taking a sip of his coffee. "Do you need anything, Matt?"

"No thanks, I'm good. Just tired," I said, giving my mom a pointed look.

"What?" she asked, genuinely confused.

Ron shrugged in a "what are ya gonna do" kind of way. "She refused to sleep until you were up. She would have woken you up earlier if the nurses hadn't stopped her."

I could just see it, my mom fighting off nurses with her purse just so she could go into my room, make sure I was alive, and beat me senseless for scaring her. She had done all too similar things throughout my childhood.

"I see that our patient is awake," the nurse said, walking in and saving me from further conversation with my mother. "See, Mrs. Miller? I told you that he would wake up and be completely fine." My mother just sneered at her and moved closer to me, as if the nurse was here to steal me away to that secret government program she talked about.

The nurse paid her no attention and instead filled me in on everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. Daring Dan had called an ambulance (at least I knew he was good for something) and I had arrived at the hospital in bad shape. But the doctors could not find anything concretely wrong with me. The electric bolt had seemed to do nothing. They had given me some pain medication, which accounted for my long nap, and had kept an eye on my status throughout the night. But since there was still no sign of damage, I would get to go home as soon as I was ready. Wasn't that just great?