pain ☹☻ {r.m + l.f}

four•

R. I. L. E. Y.

❝ The three things that cannot be long hidden:

The sun,

The moon,

The truth.❞

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______________________
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For me my truth was that i had fallen deeply in love with Lucas Friar. It didn't matter to me that i was only 16 years old then. I'm turning 18 soon, i don't want to feel like a child.

It's too late for me anyway. My love has to fade away. I want it to fade away. Why won't it fade away?

Pain won't ever go away. Memories will never go away. Love will never go away.

One word.
Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.

Except my love is chained up. Like a caged animal, the truth always finds its way out. That is what i have been told. That is what i learned. I don't believe it. I will keep my secret for however long it takes for the pain to heal.

That's the thing, pain doesn't heal. It will never heal. It will stay with you for the rest of your life and rip you to shreds. Pain will never leave you, it will cause you more agony and feel like hell's flames.

If you think that pain fades away, you are deeply wrong, my friend.

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I go to school a week after ignoring everything and everyone. Lucas telling me he still cares about me stings. Not that I don't want him to care about me, but that is what he said when we still had our unofficial thing.

I still wear leather jackets and red lips. In fact, I could get used to this. When I'm in my classes I'm usually hanging out alone or with Charlie. I still feel guilty over the fact that I'm using him for my happiness. I like him, but as a friend. Nothing more. I don't want to rush and get my heart broken. I refuse.

I walk into the cafeteria for lunch break and automatically see Maya waving for me to come sit with them. I take a deep breath and nod. I can't ignore them forever. But I want to. No, actually I don't want to. I just don't want to miss them so much and miss everything I've had with them. I don't want to seem like strangers to them and pretend to be okay when I'm not.

I take my tray of food and walk in their direction. I avert my eyes from Maya sitting on Lucas' lap. I'd rather not see the boy i love at all, actually.

I set my tray down and ask Farkle if anyone's sitting next to him. "Oh, sorry but im saving this seat for Charlie." Farkle states. "You guys are friends with Charlie?" I ask as my curiosity gets the better of me like it always does. "Well, yeah, but he asked me if he could sit with us so here we are now." Farkle replies.

I wonder if he's still with Isadora. I remember one night, me and Farkle were studying and all he did was blab on about how beautiful she was. I didn't blame him, she is very beautiful.

The only seat left was next to Maya, who was whispering something in Lucas' ear and he would either let out a little laugh or smile at her and reply. I looked at them for a second and saw the look my best friend had.

She's happy. She's finally happy. That's all i ever wanted. I ask my self once again,

Then why am i not happy?