Photograph

26 - What If

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"To your right now please."

This was my first experience with promo photo shoots so I felt rather like a duck out of water. They'd taken a screed of shots of Eleanor and I together, both with and without our guitars, now I was left to do solo shots. We'd done some standing and at the moment I was sitting on a stool with my guitar, a fake background behind me and a dummy mic in front.

"Now could you pretend to play and sing something?"

"Is it okay if I actually play and sing? I'm not used to only pretending to do it."

"Sure. Whatever."

What a relief; at least that would feel natural. I started strumming the first song that came into my head - an Adele tune - completely ignoring the camera and just letting myself get involved in the words and melody. I was barely a quarter of the way through when the photographer called a halt, saying he had all he wanted.

I packed my guitar away, thanked everyone and left to catch the Tube to nonna's place, Ben and Jake on my mind the whole way.

"Ciao nonna," I greeted her when she opened the door.

"Cara, mio caro." As usual I was enveloped in her warm hug. "Come in, child. You will stay for pranzo?" she asked; lunch was always served punctually at one o'clock and it was quarter to now. The smell of her eggplant lasagna had teased my nostrils as I came up the stairs.

"Si, I'd love to, if you have enough." I only said that out of courtesy; I could probably show up with half a dozen friends and there would still be enough food to go around. In fact, I think both of my brothers have, at some stage, shown up with half a dozen friends at mealtime.

"Of course, child, of course, there is plenty of food." She bustled around, putting finishing touches to a salad. "How is Benedict?" she asked as I began setting the table.

God, I wish I knew. "He's fine."

"What does he work on now?" That at least I could talk of with confidence.

"He's doing a number of radio shows at the moment and his production company have just finished making their first short film, so they are editing that." I was setting for four, knowing that Marco would come upstairs for lunch and leave his assistant in charge for a short time.

"And what did you decide about the music concert with the Irish lady?"

"I'm doing it."

She turned to smile at me and I looked back at the woman who had pretty much raised me after my mother left. Her hair appeared whiter than on my last visit, the skin on her face and hands more wrinkled, her shoulders a little more stooped - but there was still about her an air of liveliness and vitality, a passionate interest in all that went on around her, most especially where it concerned her family. "Quello è buono," she said, "Sono contento." (That's good, I'm glad.)

At that moment nonno and my brother arrived and after greetings were exchanged we sat down to eat. Marco said grace then as nonna served, nonno asked me about the Dublin gig, so I gave them an update on all that had been happening.

"Fifteen hundred people?" Marco asked. "That's a lot; are you nervous?"

Well thanks, Marco, like I needed a reminder about that. "What do you think?" I gave him a sardonic look but he just grinned then completely flummoxed me with his next comment.

"Don't sweat it, sis, you'll be fine. You're a great singer."

"Thanks," I managed, through the lump I discovered in my throat.

When the meal finished Marco went back to the shop and I offered to help nonna with washing up, but she shooed me into the lounge to have coffee with nonno and I saw them exchange a look. As we sat he said, "There is something troubling you, cara mia?" I had long since given up wondering how my grandparents could tell so easily when I had something on my mind. I explained about Jake and how I had been struggling with the 'what if' scenario.

"Piccolo, throughout our journey in life we come to un bivio - a crossroads - where we must choose to go this way or that. Do we take this path; do we take the other? Each choice affects everything that follows, yes? But they are always our choices. With Our Lord's guidance and blessing, of course."

I thanked him and shortly after bid my farewells, as I had lessons to teach. Heading home I gave his words some thought and it slowly dawned on me that I was wasting my time wondering what might have happened, I had only to be concerned with what did. Jake made the choice not to tell me how he felt when I was free and now that is something he has to live with. Meanwhile, I went down a path that led me to Ben and it was as simple as accepting that that was where my choices had taken me.

Am I happy with the path that led me to him? Oh God yes.

---

At seven thirty I met with Marcus and Rick for another rehearsal for Dublin. Our rehearsal space was the garage at Rick's parents' house as they had no car, luckily and we just brought our instruments with us each time. Centrally located to all four of us, it was the perfect space and the neighbours had long since gotten used to our sound.

"Let's start with 'I'll be your baby tonight'," I said, once we had set up, "I'd like to tweak the piano and bass, Marcus - more Damien Leith than Norah Jones, but keep Norah's tempo and poignancy. Can we give that a try?"

I began the intro on my guitar and we went through it a few times until I was happy with it, then I gave them the sheet music for the song Eleanor and I would be singing together and we looked through that, playing bits here and there, each of us suggesting changes before we put them together in a trial run.

All the while at the back of my mind was the thought that I hadn't yet heard from Ben. Now that I was settled in my own mind I needed to know what the hell this morning had been all about.