My Big Brother

When the light disappeared from behind the curtains it didn't matter whether our parents were next door or not, it was only Ranyo that made me feel safe. He hugged me goodnight and afterwards he lay on the top bunk with his head dangling down the side of the bed. Every night he watched over me until I fell asleep and only then my brother went to sleep himself.

I don't have many memories from my early childhood – I mean the ages 3 to 6 – but most of them are memories of Ranyo. He showed me how to make paper airplanes, he taught me to count from one to ten, and he was the one that told me about the treasure chests filled with toys in our garage.

I could not have imagined a better brother than Ranyo. He shared everything with me, even the secrets that I was not supposed to know. Once he showed me how to open the gummi bear drawer and afterwards we sat on the top bunk and ate little cola bottles and sweet green and red cherries until I felt sick.

Ranyo went to a different school than I did. He had to leave earlier than me and so I rarely saw him in the morning. But in turn he also finished earlier and nearly every day he stood on our front porch when mom and I arrived home. Only when it rained he hid inside the house, usually on his bunk with a teddy bear or two in his arms.

Ranyo hated the rain, but even more he hated the bath. I liked taking long baths with my ducks and ships, but Ranyo never joined me; he always just stood in the doorway and pleaded with me to come out so that we could play something else together.

I wondered how Ranyo showered if he hated water so much.

“In the morning, but really quickly,” he said. “You smell bad if you don't shower, mom always says that!”

I thought that he would look funny in the shower. I imagined him rushing into the shower and right back out. I wanted to see or at least hear Ranyo shower, but I never managed to wake up early enough.

The only thing Ranyo hated more than water were babysitters. Usually mom asked the old lady that lived next door to take care of us when our parents went out for their movie nights, but on the few occasions when the lady was busy, or maybe sick, our parents hired one of their friends’ daughters to stay the evening with us. There were three or four different girls that babysat us, but Ranyo liked none of them.

“Girls are mean,” he said.

Sometimes mom allowed me to stay over at one of my male or female friends’ places, and sometimes they stayed over with us. Ranyo never came to the sleepovers; he said he was too old. I always thought that he was just scared that there might be girls in the house. But even when friends stayed over at our place Ranyo slept in the living room and the visitor got the top bunk insead. I didn't like those nights. Instead of Ranyo's calm protection the other kids usually rolled around or kicked against the wall or the reeling. Those that talked were the worst. I liked to sleep in silence and I liked to sleep with Ranyo watching me.

When Ranyo told me about the treasure chests in the garage I was in heaven. I was probably 5 years old at the time. I remember being in the garage with Ranyo. We ripped open box after box and found more and more buried treasures. We went to dinner and showed off some of the toys and clothes we found.

The next morning all the boxes were gone.

I don't know for sure how old I was when Ranyo got sick. He was already sick when he showed me the treasure chests, so I was likely 4 or 5 when I first noticed his disease.

I saw it first in his cheeks. His cheeks were not smooth and round anymore, instead they began to fall inwards and they lost their color. When he showed me the boxes most of the color on his face was already gone; the pink-orange of his skin was more and more replaced by a light gray and finally, when his skin also got dry, a dark gray.