You Can't Save Me..

Chapter 12

Picture myself swallowing all the pills, and smile.

Think about my body hanging lifeless from the ceiling fan, and I would smile.

I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head.

They were always there. Screaming at me to do it, but I didn't. I never did it.

I've been so close. I've stood at the train tracks and waited, but when the train came, I only took a step back.

I've had the pills poured out on my bed before and I remember starting to shake and cry then I put them back in the bottle and layed back down. Then I stared at the ceiling, trying to figure out why I couldn't do it.

I still don't know why I can't. Maybe I don't deserve death. Death is a sweet release. This could all be over. Maybe I'm not good enough for it. I don't think deserve it. I deserve to be stuck here, in this life.

It is terrible. And now all these things are added up. The cutting. The burning. The bruising. The insomnia. The starving. The depression. The suicidal thoughts.

All of it.

And I can't take it anymore. Everyday I get closer and closer to just taking the pills and watching the world fade, but something is stopping me.

They want to tell me it's hope. Hope that it will get better, but it's not. Not at all.

I think it's fear. But not fear of death. Fear of what would happen if I failed.

Everyone would know. They would treat my like a fragile plate that shouldn't ever be broken. But they don't get it. I'm already broken. I'm beyond broken. I'm that thing in the box marked fragile in storage but they never bothered to keep me safe.

You never came to check. I fell over years ago and one day you just came and saw me. I was on the ground. Spread everywhere. Smashed. Now you're trying to fix me. But you can't. You just can't.

I'm already broken.

And they finally came out to see me broken, and they're trying to fix it, but I'm to far gone. And they can't do anything now.

Then there's my family. I love them so much. But it's never enough. It never was.

With my dad, we were so close. He never knew anything about me, but we were so close.

With his sickness he would go through phases where he didn't know any of us that well. He forgot everything. His life, to him, wasn't his life. He didn't remember us.

We scared him. But I didn't. He remembered me. But now he's gone. And my mother. I love her to death, but she doesn't know when to stop.

She has work, a family of 6 to feed and care for, but it's like somewhere along the way, she forgot how to be a mom.

So I'm at home taking care of all my siblings. I play mom. I had to grow up way to fast.

My mom is never home. She's always out getting drunk or fucking some random guy.

So I cook and clean and raise my siblings.

Then there's school. I take some damn hard classes. I really do. I mean come on. You know I do, you're in all of them. Those are hard classes.

And I can't lose my 4.0. They would question it. Do you know how stressful that is?

I'm raising a family. I'm keeping a top of the line GPA. And I'm dealing with all this inside shit. I'm stressed. And I can't take it. I can't.."

I was in tears and that was the end of my story. I told the entire thing staring into his eyes and he stared back into mine.

"I'm done." I squeaked out, remembering I told him not to say anything until I was done.

"You're not alone anymore. I'm going to help you. As soon as your siblings move down here, I'm gonna be here.

Everyone needs some help. So I'll be here. I'll help you cook and clean. I don't really have to do anything at my house anyway.

My mum deals with most of it. So I could use some training for the future anyway."

He winked at me and chuckled a bit before letting me know he was serious. "I know that has to be stressful. I mean cooking for 6. Wow. And cleaning up after them. It's a lot. So I'm gonna help. And we're in the same classes this year. So let's be study buddies. And as for the rest of it. I'm not sure how I'm gonna help, but I will. Okay? I promise. When do your siblings move up here?"

He is being completely serious. I can't let him do that. This is my life. I can't learn to rely on the help. "Ashton. I know what you're thinking. I want to help. I really do."

He smiles at me and pulls me in for a hug.

"Next week. They come on Saturday. They were staying with my aunt until everything got settled and I got everything unpacked." I say into his shoulder, my voice slightly muffled by the cloth.

"Well, I can't wait to meet them." He says back.