The Worse of Times, The Best of Times

Negativity

I'm not okay. I never will be okay. These are the words that constantly haunt me, but I push them out of my head trying to look at the positive side of life. I tell myself that everything will be okay, that life moves on and I truly believe those words, but sometimes I feel stuck. Like I'll never move forward. Like I'll just be destined to feel miserable all this time. Yes, I look like I'm content and happy with life but I'm really not. I feel afraid. I hate coming home because it reminds me that there isn't anyone to go home to anymore. I hate sleeping with the lights off because the darkness only emphasizes how lonely I feel. I cry at random times of the night because all I can think about is wanting to go home and see my family. I tell people that I'm doing okay in school, even though I stress out every day over my classes, my homework, everything. I keep telling myself to chin up and that everything that's making me sad will eventually go away, but nothing ever makes the pain go away. I try to ignore these feelings but honestly I feel like I actually do have some mild case of depression even though I constantly tell myself I don't. I just want to be happy. I just want to not feel this way. "Think positive! Don't let anything get you down! Don't think about it anymore," I chant to myself over and over again. Just don't think and it'll all go away...won't it?