Release The Dark Within: My Twisted Love Story (boyxboy) (boyxgirl)

Chapter 3: The Numbness that Follows

“I don’t know what you want me to say Vanny.” I sighed, because there was no way I could admit the sick and twisted truth to him.

"Do you care to tell me what this is really about buttercup? Because I'm finding it hard to believe that it’s unrelated to the text message you received earlier." He continued adamantly, and I cringed in response.

He was starting to figure it out, but I couldn't let that happen. He was my brother and a slightly overprotective one at that. If he knew what he had done, then there would be hell to pay. I didn’t want that for him, and I didn’t want it for Van either. There was no telling what an overprotective brother and a slightly abusive… let’s just call him a friend, would do to each other.

“Not everyone is perfect, Mr. Perfect. We can’t all be the awesome, amazing and wonderful Van, loved and worshipped by girls, boys, parents and teachers alike.” I replied bitterly. It wasn’t his fault that peopled loved him more than they loved cell phones or the internet. But it got to me sometimes, living in the shadow of greatness, when I knew that there was absolutely nothing great about me.

“What the hell Stasi? This isn’t about me. This is about you, and it’s been going on for years. Two fucking years Stasi and you never give any explanation for it, other than to say ‘I’m tired’ or ‘I’m just stressed’.” At first it seemed like was playing around, but then he started yelling and getting angry. I didn’t like him when he got angry because it reminded me of someone else I wasn’t particularly ready to think about at the moment.

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but I was cut off once again by Van’s anger.

“It’s bullshit Stasi and you know it! Why won’t you talk to me?” He shouted, causing me to flinch. I felt guiltier than I had in a very long time. I hated to keep him in the dark, but he would surely look upon me in disgust if he knew the real reason why this happened.

“Van, I…” I stared weakly, trying to come up with any excuse, any reason for my behavior, but I had nothing. All I had was emptiness and self-hatred for what I had become.

“I’m worried about you. You’re my sister and I love you. Why can’t you see that?” His expression was sad and his voice sounded pained. I really hurt him with my lies and mistrust. But there was nothing I could do about it, because I had to protect him. He loved me, I knew that he did. He just had a fucked up way of showing it, and what’s worse was that I was completely fucked up for loving him back.

I didn't have a chance to respond before Van was gone. His flash of anger overwhelmed him and he left me to deal with the aftermath of our fight and my anxiety on my own. I guess I deserved it. I'd been lying to him for years. I needed to feel the numbness, so I rummaged through my purse and pulled out two of my best friends. I took them in with ease and awaited the calm listlessness that I knew would soon follow.

Unfortunately my pity party was interrupted when a soft thudding sounded from the doorway and I looked up to meet smiling blue eyes.

"He'll be fine. He's just pissed that I messed up his chances of getting laid with his badass boyfriend this morning." Lane commented with a smirk and I had to laugh at his attempt to brighten my mood. Van was a bit of a sex crazed whore at times. He was more than a brother though; he was one of the best friends I had, as were Lane and Rayanne. Yet Lane was perhaps the only one who was aware of one of my secrets.

"If you say so Laney, he was pretty angry and I think he's finally tired of my excuses and lies." I admitted sadly. All I wanted was for Van to stop being mad at me. He was all I had at home now that Crispin had moved out. I couldn’t rely on my parents, because I had the feeling that they secretly hated me and wished I was never born. Believe it or not, I needed him more than I had needed anyone, ever since that day two years ago.

"Don’t worry about it sweetpea. He'll be over it by third period. You know he can't stay mad at you." Lane replied wisely and perhaps he was right, or perhaps I had pushed my brother too far this time.

"Does it ever bother you? I mean, the lies and the lack of reasons or explanations for myself or my actions?" I questioned with genuine interest, because I knew that Lane would be brutally honest with me, that's what he was good at.

"No sweetpea, it doesn't. Do you want to know why it doesn't bother me?" He returned and I had to admit I was intrigued by his answer, because I had never before met anyone who saw things quite the way Lane saw them.

"Why Laney?" I asked simply, not begging for the answer I knew he would have given me whether I wanted to hear it or not.

"Because I trust you and I know that if you need my help, or if you're finally ready to talk about what's been happening with you in the last two years, then you will.” He commented thoughtfully with a genuine show of caring and understanding.

 “It’s just like the time when you finally told me how you get your hands on all that money." Lane added to further bolster his case. I had to smile at his response, because he made understanding something so messed up and confusing seem so easy.

Why couldn't Van be more like this? Why couldn't he understand, without pushing for details I had no desire to discuss with him? Why did he have to be so close to the truth, a truth I could never reveal to him or anyone else, even if he wanted me to?

I shook the thoughts out of my head and hastily sat up, pulling Lane into a grateful hug. He rubbed my back, doing his best to comfort me and it helped, but it just wasn’t the same comforting feeling as it would’ve been if I hadn’t pissed Van off and sent him running from me. I was almost certain that Lane was right though, it was really hard for Van to stay angry with me and for me to stay angry with him.

As the minute ticked on, I felt that much needed sense of numbness beginning to settle over me and I smiled at the lack of emotion and caring that I currently had. Nothing was better than feeling numb, because it meant I didn’t have to endure the torturous feelings that I kept hidden within me. I didn’t have to deal with the pain or the feelings of inferiority that accompanied my fucked up life.

Laney and I made our way to class very unenthusiastically. We sat through hours of boredom, and the first few classes of the day, all without seeing even a trace of Van. I had no idea where he was or why he wasn’t in class, but I did have a feeling that it had something to do with our fight. It made me feel incredibly guilty that he was avoiding me because he had a feeling I was lying to him. But what could I have done. I had to protect him as well as Van. I had no other choice.

It wasn’t until lunch time that Van finally reappeared and by that time, I was feeling so numb and emotionless that I didn’t have the will left in me to fight him. He approached our group slowly, with Reiker’s arm wrapped around him possessively. I don’t know what I ever did to make his boyfriend hate me, but I really didn’t think I deserved the way he looked at me. I hated myself already, it wasn’t necessary for him to add to it.

Van immediately came to me, breaking free of Reik’s iron grip and enveloped me in a strong embrace. I held tight to him for comfort, because sometimes he was the only comfort I could ever find. He held me tightly and rubbed my back for added comfort and I jumped up on him, wrapping my arms and legs around him so he was holding me. It was one of our things that we did, just like him buying us coffee every morning or waking me up by sitting on top of me.

“I’m sorry Stasi. I love you and I’m sorry I got mad and yelled you, that I didn’t trust you.” Van whispered quietly so no one else could hear him but me. I nodded quietly, not trusting my voice to sound normal as a rush of emotion bled through the numbness. After a few moments, I was able to find the will to give in and speak.

“I’m sorry too Vanny. I love you and I want to talk to you, but I’m afraid that what I have to say will just hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt you. Please just trust me.” I barely murmured as a single tear ran down my cheek. His only response was to hold me tighter. He didn’t need to answer because I understood.

I loved him, he was my brother and he meant the world to me, and I was his sister and I knew I meant the world to him too.

***********************************************