"I don't know if you know who you are until you loose who you are" By Taylor swift
WARNING CONTAINS FOWL LANGUAGE AND MAY BE TO ADULT FOR SOME READERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! AND PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ANY "MEAN" COMMENTS THIS STORY IS COMPLETELY REAL AND THIS IS MY SHITTY LIFE AND I DON'T NEED YOUR HEP TO MAKE IT ANY WORSE!!!
I think that I felt that all was lost when it finally was lost...all I had ever know was fake happiness and lies. But you cant live like that forever, because forever can be a lot shorter than you think it is. Everything can change in an instant, or even an entire life no matter how little a mistake. Just one simple mistake that led to so many....
If you think that life is against you or your not worth it or worthless and know one is ever going to want you, than please read this. If you cant relate to any of what i have just said than you will think that I'm lying or that i made all of this up and that you couldn't care less about my life than please do NOT read this.
I am 14 Years old and i cant be "normal" or "okay" anymore I have destroyed so many people when all Ive tyred to do is be good but i cant. I was ruined when my mother made the decision to try and end herself. I have ice blue and bleach blond hair i have given up any hope of trying to save myself but maybe i can save you. I haven't ever wanted to be apart of death or even want to welcome it into my life but i have...and would cheerfully now....and i have tryed. If you do not believe me that is okay but i need to share my story. About 3 years ago i was with my aunt and little sister trying to visit my mother on the west side of Jacksonville, and i had been in Georgia with my aunt for about 2 weeks and missed my mom, and was tired of my dads house. when we had arrived we had picked up our stuff and had headed to my moms apartment and we had waited and waited and waited for her to come to the door. When she never came or answered the door we got worried and went out back to see if she was at the pool or something.....she wasn't. when we where about to leave we called her again and i had heard the ringer go off inside and she NEVER forgets her phone anywhere so i knew she was home, and i had gotten worried so my aunt broke her kitchen window and cleared the dishes away for me to get in, because i am the most flexible and the smallest that was their. So when i got in my worst night mares came true.....(the way we where able to do this was because her apartment was on the bottom story)...when i had entered the broken window i had seen her, but i couldn't go to her yet i had to unlock the door an let my aunt in and after i had unlocked the door i looked at her completely stunned and at a loss for words i didn't know if i should yell for help or scream bloody murder, because i should have been there scared and crying. I wasn't i did the exact opposite i rushed to her and grabbed the can singing my palm and then touching her....her skin was like ice....cold lifeless almost a white ish blue....a very sick color for her and it worried me but there was nothing i could do but wait for my aunt an the paramedics to arrive. when my aunt got their i was dazed and cold....i was changed....blackened to the soul. she hadn't ever been the best mom she had left us me my two sisters and my dad when i was almost three years old and i don't know or remember if she had ever tryed to contact me, because my father (who is a total dick and a hypocrite) wouldn't ever let me try and think about my mom he had bribed us and drilled for years that my mom was worthless and a bad mom and he had done nothing to make her leave. it was all lies and more lies. and you know what i believed almost all of them, but i knew i had stopped believing after i was 8 or 9. He was abusive, a drunk, a worka-holic, a liar, mean, but all i had needed him for was a place to stay and money, because i was over his shit! Me and my older sister and my younger sister stuck together we where the only thing that showed each other love and hope i mean we had our grand parents but they weren't their to help us when we needed it most. And now they are dead. and have been dead for over 5 or 6 years ago and when they died so did i. I was over trying to be happy and care free, because i wasn't so why try? you cant fake happiness you just cant.....i should know of all people. And so when my mom was haled away she went silently but mad and vengeful like me but in that one instant everything changed, my sister raven grew weak and to emotional and very high strung....but me i was different i had grown empty and cold when she had left raven was crying and falling apart. I was not. I had stood their slowly changing growing quiet and cold like i am now. She had spent a little less than two years in prison (the worst two years of my life...then but that isn't the case now....) and during thoughs two years she had wrote promising that things where going to be different, that she was going to be a good mom now, and that she was going to find a good guy, and a good job, and we where going to live with her like the happy family we had always wanted. i thought that it was going to actually happen and that we finally where going to be a family. Something Ive had never had...when she had gotten out she had went back to being a stripper until she could get a job...a real job. She hadn't found a half decent guy until now but even the best guys had their own problems.She had gotten her own house and her own car and everything but she messed that up well not really, but the guy who she almost married went back to prison oh i forgot to mention that when she had first gotten with Sheldon i had told her that i was not going to see her until he was gone, but i gad caved and gave her one chance to show me that he was a okay guy, but i knew better than to believe her and he is a child molester who likes to do crack and weed and heroine(a real good guy aint he? hahha no)But he is gone now so i don't care about him but i am pissed that he had hurt my mom by punching her and cheating on her and lieing to her....it pissed me off to a point i punched a hole I'm my wall and almost hurt my knuckles...again. and last summer....i became a stonier and a alcoholic and know one really knows how bad it had actually gotten but me....i could get drunk before noon every day and i could stay up partying until two in the morning every day until i fell asleep and woke up at ten every day and i had partied with a guy that was to old and to tempting....i do not want to divulge his real name so i will call him by his nick name Lem he was nice and cute and he knew what i was going through thanks to his dad....and i had liked him and we had drank and smoked together all summer and i really don't remember what happened almost all summer but i remember him trying to kiss me and i don't know if he tryed anything else, because i stayed to fucked up he had managed to kiss me one time and i didn't want it so i had hit him and told him to fuck off...and he did he left and i stopped partying until my mom got with Sheldon....we started partying again and smoking again and i enjoyed it, because i look much older than i am Ive had 22 year-old's hitting on me and its not a very good thing, because when i had actually gotten my first boy friend and i think i had actually loved him. something i thought a monster like me couldn't do and i had broke up with him 05/16/2013 and now i feel like i....i did before.....empty and cold and worthless. and to see him happy with MY BEST FRIEND and there is nothing i can do, because i love him and i care about her and i couldn't hurt them so i have to leave i cant be near them sober so for about two weeks straight i have been stoned out of my mind so that i can come to school so that i don't have a panic attack every time i see them...and now i am fucked i don't have any more weed and i am out of alcohol so now I'm going to work with my dad some more so that i can get more so i can finish Jr. high so that i can run away thanks to my summer and I'm going to be a high scholar and maby find a little emo kid like me...so maby i wont need any more weed or an excuse to hide and get fucked up or cut myself or anything an maby i can be me and be happy....i know its never going to happen but even the worst of us deserves love right? so please wait a little longer fight a little harder and think a little more about whats waiting for you on the other side and always know that i don't have anyone but myself, but even a loser like me could hope, because that's all you have even when you have nothing.
i hope that everyone that has read this can understand that this isn't all of my life and that you will always have something even when you think you have nothing and so if people call you worthless and stupid and lame or anything that isn't a helping hand just remember that YOU and only YOU can give them the power to drive you to your braking point...I have been their and done it i even have the scars to prove it so ALWAY'S fight and NEVER give in to them
