The Black Parade ➸ Phan

two

[Will you defeat them,]

I didn't think I loved you until I met you in person. Sure, I got butterflies on Skype and sometimes we ended up acting like love-y fools, but that was just how we were. Surely?

Maybe it was your hugs that made me fall in love. The way you wrapped your body around mine made me feel safer than I had with anybody else. You'd rest your hand on my back, and you'd tilt your head so I could put my own on your shoulder. You were welcoming, and made me feel like I had a place in this big, wide world... With you.

Maybe it was when you had your infamous first 'Existential Crisis' and you were a crying mess. I managed to carry you to the sofa and you looked up at me with your deep brown eyes. They were full of thank and emotion and tears and lust. I used to get lost in your eyes all the time, Dan.

Maybe it was when we were at a nearby forest one fall evening and we were both freezing. We'd forgotten to wear gloves, and the skin under your nails had turned an unhealthy purple. I looked down on our hands, swinging in time and you must have noticed, because all of a sudden I felt your hand reach out to mine. Our fingers intertwined, and your hands were so warm. The warmth spread all the way to my cheeks, and yours similarly. You gave me a dorky smile, and I swear that between laughs I heard a mutter of 'no homo'. Damn you, Howell.

Maybe it was when you went on your train home, leaving me without you for almost a month. You hugged me so tight that you could have strangled me, and I swear I felt your tears drip slowly onto my shoulder. I would have pondered on it for longer, when you pulled away from me, and scanned the train station. It was deserted, and as I looked around, the train came into view. Your eyes were filled with tears, and so once more you embraced me... It felt like a normal hug, until I felt your lips press against my cheek. You blushed and so did I. We didn't even speak, you just waved as you got onto the train. I was a mess. Even after you were gone, I could feel my cheek still glowing, almost as if you were still there.

Maybe it was how you'd give me your blanket when we watched movies because you'd notice that I was shivering. You'd always notice if there was something wrong with me. It made me feel bad for not noticing things like that, but you used to be so observant. At times, it felt like you put your needs before mine, and even though I didn't want you to sacrifice what you had, I had a few days when I felt so terrible that I couldn't do without it; without you.

God knows how I'm going to cope now. I could do with a hug and a hot chocolate, Dan. Can you hear me, wherever you are?