The Black Parade ➸ Phan

one

[ When I was, a young boy ]

Do you remember when we first met? You were such a stalker. Who thought we'd end up together, the boy who religiously talked about me whilst I laughed at your trashy comments through the computer screen. You commented on every single one of my videos; replied to every single one of my tweets; answered every single one of my messages. I used to tease you about it, say you were annoying, but secretly, I loved it.

I wish I could have told you that, Dan.

We talked for so long before we first organised to meet. It was scary, you know? You could have been a 40-year-old man. But you weren't. Thankfully. What would have I done if you were?

You sent me a single message when you came down on the train. Weren't you bored? Maybe there was no signal. I'd woken up late, leaving me with messy hair and the most uncoordinated outfit ever. I must have checked myself in the bathroom mirror at the station about 10 times whilst waiting - it seemed like I was waiting forever. It was only then I got the alert, a single red heart emoji. My face suddenly transformed into a similar colour.

People must have thought I was such an idiot, grinning to myself like a fool whilst I watched the trains pass by. I was such a fool for you, Dan. An old friend of ours used to say that. Remember him?

It was a Saturday. It was so busy, there were no seats left. Instead of standing like most people would, I sat cross legged in front of the sliding doors. It probably wasn't a great idea, but my head was a mess and I couldn't form any logical thoughts. To put it simply, I was a nervous wreck. I kept fidgeting and my breathing was heavy. At points, I remember feeling lightheaded.

It was such a long time ago, Dan.

The train approached and I was trying to calm down, jumping to my feet. My head was spinning with questions, like whether you'd like me as much as you liked the way I portrayed myself through midnight Skype calls and messages. What if you hated me? What if you decided that I wasn't who you thought I was?

I didn't even notice you get off the train. Suddenly, I was faced with your big brown eyes. You were in a blue t-shirt and your llama hat. You didn't look any different to the Skype calls. My heart was hammering in my chest, I'm almost certain you could hear it.

I had to blink a couple times, nothing seemed real. We kind of just stared at each other for a couple seconds, and then you engulfed me in a massive hug. You were so warm, I felt so secure. I rested my head on your shoulder and we kinda swayed back and forth. It was such a nice feeling, Dan.

I really, really miss your cuddles.

I could feel people staring at us, but I was too busy from stopping tears collecting in my eyes to notice. When we talked about it a few years later, you told me you were doing the same. I'm so glad I savoured that moment, I really did remember it forever.