Sick Brains (technically a joshler fanfic)

Entertain my faith

     Numb. That is the first thought that floats through the darkness that is my mind. I am numb. Many complain about feeling, about how they are sad, hurt, or lonely. Well, you know the only thing that is worse than feeling? Feeling absolutely nothing. Everybody thinks of depression as an overwhelming sadness that crushes your spirit, well that is only half of the beast my friend. The side that is often forgotten is the lack of emotion, depression isn't always pure sadness, it is more often than not, the emotional equivalent of paint drying. You want to feel, you want to so bad, but you can't, you cry because it's like waving to an old friend, you don't know why you do it, it just seems like the proper thing to do in your current situation. And cry is exactly what I did on September 24th, 6:37 am. Of course crying is nothing new, but this particular day was a hurricane compared to previous scattered showers. It hit me hardest that day, harder than my father had ever hit me, it was like running into a wall when you are looking the opposite direction. I was supposed to be getting ready for school, but instead I lay on the bathroom floor sobbing every last tear left in my body. Of course it was silent, because I could not have anyone hear me, that would be worse than the current meltdown I am having. I only have one thought running through my mind, I want out, I don't care how, I just want to escape this fucking hell even if it's temporary. But of course that was just a fantasy to keep me through the day, as I am getting ready, I chant those words in my head, I want out I want out I want out I want out. But of course I have to continue to get ready, so I strip and slide the shower curtain to the right. The water is hot, it almost hurts, and I love it. I just allow the water and steam to swallow me whole and for a brief moment, I forget my current situation, but the moment fades and I am viciously thrown back into reality. When I feel I've been in the shower for an appropriate amount of time, I turn off the water and step out, careful not to slip on the tile floor. I generally try to avoid all mirrors for sake of keeping my own sanity, but something in the mirror catches my attention, it is the pale, skinny frame that I suppose is my body. I examine my torso briefly, disgusted by all of the raised red lines littering my sides. Scars are so ugly, I think to myself, but you and scars have that in common. I quickly get dressed in whatever I first see, which happens to be a plain navy blue shirt, and a pair of black skinny jeans. By now it is 7:03 and I have to begin my walk to hell, so I slip my backpack over one shoulder and walk down the wooden stairs into my cramped living room, here I see my drunken mother passed out on her beige recliner, I hear shuffling to my left and find that my father is in the kitchen, irritably pouring coffee into a mug. I quickly walk out the door with my head down, I don't bother to say goodbye anymore, after not hearing it in return so many times, you begin to adapt. I walk down our gravel driveway, annoyed by the crunching of the rocks beneath my feet, I begin my ten minute trek to school. I make sure to keep my head down most of the way, in an effort to avoid eye contact with anyone who might also be traveling where I am. Traffic is whizzing by in the still-dim light of dawn, with each car that passes my anxiety builds more and more. By the time I find myself at the front doors, it is 7:24, and I am several seconds away from a panic attack. I quickly push open one of the double doors, hoping that nobody is sitting in the library, because that is where I wait for the bell to ring.

When I arrive at the library I see a crowd is gathered near where I usually sit so I scan the library looking for an empty table. I finally find one and walk over to it, as I pass by a group of boys are watching me and whispering to each other, occasionally snickering and trying  to subtly point at me so that everybody knows to laugh at Tyler Joseph, because that's what he deserves. Nobody approaches me, they all just smugly observe while I set down my backpack and watch the clock on the wall intently, willing it to tick faster so that I can go to class and sit in the back and not speak to anyone. When the time finally does come for everyone to go to class, I get up as fast as I can and try to walk out quickly with my head down, eyes on the floor like I always do. But sadly, I don't make it out of the library doors in time, and two of the boys have made they're way over to me, they are walking on either side of me, I know one is Mike, but I don't know the other one. "Hey faggot how was your morning?" He says in a mocking tone. I stay quiet, trying to walk faster through the swarm of people in the hallways, but he keeps up with my speed, "oh what now you're too scared to talk? Is that what it fuckin' is?" He sticks his foot out and pushes me forward slightly, causing me to trip and fall into a short girl with pink dyed hair, I knock her off balance and she ends up hitting a locker, "hey dick will you watch where you're fuckin' going!" She screams at me.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry" I say to her repeatedly
"Yeah whatever, don't ever fucking touch me again"
"Okay sorry" I whisper as I half sprint away from her and my tormentor who is laughing and fist bumping his friend. I finally arrive at English, taking a seat in the back and putting my head down, trying to contain the panic attack that I feel rising in my chest and lungs, my palms are getting sweaty, the room feels way too hot, I try to focus one of the light blue linoleum floor tiles on the ground, but it grows blurry and soon the room is spinning uncontrollably. I feel like I'm suffocating, it feels like all the oxygen has been sucked out of my lungs and I start gasping for air. Several people are looking at me now and all I want is to shrivel up in the back of this room and for nobody to notice me. The last thing I focus on is Mr. Murphy walking towards me slowly, before my head crashes down hard on my desk and all my thoughts go fuzzy.