Payne in the Ass

19. Sometimes I am a Sponge

ACTUALLY WHO KNOWS? IT MIGHT BE A RABBIT.

ALTHOUGH I DOUBT THERE'D BE RABBITS IN WOLVERHAMPTON BECAUSE THE RABBITS'D BE ALL SCARED OF THE WOLVES.

IF YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS A KNEE SLAPPER JOKE, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, SON. I SHALL NAME YOU KENNY AND YOU SHALL ME MY KENNY AND YOU SHALL BE MINE.

I'M REALLY CONFUSED AS TO WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW.

I should probably stop screaming at you, innocent little Eponine mind children.

Good thinking, Eppy.

Life Lesson #101: Sometimes it's okay to speak to yourself. (And by sometimes, I mean never.)

Woah, how did I end up inside Liam's house?

He must've dragged me inside whilst I was innerly screaming.

Cheeky lil' guy, that Liam Payne.

I looked around, taking in my surroundings. Absorbing them, if you will.

Sometimes I am a sponge.

His home was...well, just that. A home.

It was cute and cuddly and smugly (that almost rhymes if you plug your ears while you say it). I don't even think smugly's a word. The house wasn't highly luxurious, although I didn't necessarily expect that. Sometimes stars needed a break from reality in a place like this. A place where you'd try and ask your fat Aunt Sally to get off the couch because she's sitting on your guinea pig without getting pinched in the cheeks (the facial cheeks unless you've got a really pervy Aunt Sally) and without being smothered in ruby red kisses. The place where you'd kindly fetch your Grandpa George's dentures that flew across the room even though you were cringing and trying to hold back vomit in the process, and despite the fact no one really has a freaking clue as to where Grandpa George came from because your mum thought George was your dad's father and your dad thought George was your mum's father. But in the end, it didn't matter if you were really related to him or if he was really just a creep off the street because either way, he was your family and you were in your cluttered but very happy home.

What on earth am I saying?

I'm not sure, but that was deep. I think I'm going to make myself cry.

"Mum? We're home!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." I covered Liam's mouth with my hand.

"Yer mam'll hear youse an' come find us!"

"That's kind of the point, love," He mumbled against my hand (it sounded more like 'thah Kevin uf that poof!' in my opinion.)

"Um..Yeah, Kevin uf poof! Good job Liam!" I praised.

A slimy tongue wet my hand, causing me to make a very realistic pterodactyl noise. Before I could move my hand away, Liam took it and held it, his own hand enveloping mine. 

"Liam!" I scolded. "Ewwie!"

I don't know why I said ewwie, so don't question it. Can I call Loumeister Ewwie Louis now?

Liam chuckled and pulled me into a huge hug (omg those biceps im sobbing), resting his head on top of mine. 

"There's nothing to be afraid of! The worst thing that could happen would be somebody tickling ya to death." He told me, amused.

I raised my eyebrows slightly in confusion even if he couldn't see them. "Why would I get tickled ta dea-" Liam probed me in the sides before I could finish and suddenly, world war two broke out right there in the house of Liam Payne.

...And by two, I meant three.

I didn't fail history in secondary school. What are you talking about, hm!?