BLUSH

Diary Entry #1

Hey Blush,

So, we moved to Grandpa's house today, finally! I mean, I've been waiting for this day since months, you know.

School starts tomorrow.

And I have this mixed feeling for my day. I am excited, nervous, eager, frightened and I feel a bit of uneasiness.

Excited because Stace and I have planned to have a rocking first day tomorrow by doing something unforgettable.

Nervous because Jason isn't here. I always have his back wherever I go and I kind of feel safe when he is around. But he has other things to do besides making me comfortable, and I have to heavy-heartedly accept that.

Eager because apparently I am looking forward to the academics. I am going to learn some interesting stuff and I want to ace in all the subjects.

Frightened because I know I'll be meeting new people, will HAVE to make new friends due to two reasons. One, I need to survive my high school years and have fun! I want to create those special moments and lock them in my memories. You can't do that all alone, right? And two, my best friend is Stacey Stone and one of her hobby is to make friends, interact with people, know about them and all. Another one of her hobbies is taking me everywhere she goes and making me do everything she does, so isn't that very clear that I'll be doing crazy things and that will be only because of Stace.

What scares me about the fact is that I don't want an unknown person to invade my personal space. It's not that I am not good with strangers or something. It's okay when a person is an acquaintance to you. Things become troublesome when that acquaintance turns to a friend, then a friend turns to a good friend, and a good friend becomes a close friend. I don't want close friends!

You know Blush, I have been like this for so long now that it hurts me to even think of changing into someone better. I didn't change for the one person I love and live for, Stace, then why would I do it for someone I do not know.

Stace has known me since forever. I know I have been hard on her. She tells me every single thing that goes on inside her. What she feels like, why she feels that way, what she wants, what she likes, what she hates, basically everything! And I never share anything with her. I am never able to discuss my feelings with her or anyone for that matter. It's like everything's bottled within me but as hard as I try I am incapable of opening up. And Stace respects that. She would never press the wrong buttons trying to dig what lies beneath. Instead she would just sit there quietly giving me the distance I need. I know she deserves better and I should give her that but I feel so helpless. Her heart aches to see me like this but that's not what I want. I don't want any sympathies or those sorry feeling looks from her or anyone. In a way, I CHOOSE to be what I am. Slowly and gradually, I was the one who stepped back.

In essence, I just want no one to bother me to an extent where I lose it and do something that I shouldn't.

Uneasy because I sense happening of some unusual thing. That I am going to be facing odd circumstances and situations will be turning against me. I know I'm being hysteric, but don't blame me. I am just putting all my thoughts into words.

So, that's all for now. Big day tomorrow!

Love,

Ashley S.