I sat and watched through it all. Troye Sivan, I pushed you away in fear of loving you and now you're hurt. It was never my intention, I left you in the quiet I never gave you answers and you walked away. I watched as you fell through my fingers like sand,my heart slowly determining what my fate was soon to be. I was never for you. I knew that in my head, I didn't deserve the boy with sparkling blue eyes, the angel with curly brown hair. I didn't deserve to have the honour of even breaking your heart. But trust me when I say, I always wanted you Troye, it was always you. I remember, when I didn't think it was love. I didn't believe it was as you could say a crush, I hated that I was falling for you but you were intoxicating. Every song reminded me of you, the way the deep blue waves shimmer in the sun light reminded me of you and your crystal blue eyes. Everything made sense when we were together, no distance between becoming at ease with one an another. You had me caught in your web and I didn't want out, everything about you was perfect, and I knew if it did work out the distance would fuck it up for us. But you would never go for someone like me I thought, you are gorgeous, talented and it pains me to know that you don't see how talented you actually are. You're sarcastic in the best way possible, and could make me scream with laughter at three am. I knew then I was falling for you, I denied at first because in my head I knew just how special you were to me, you were my bestfriend the person I trusted my darkest secrets with you knew me like the back of your hand. And I didn't want to ruin it for something my heart longed for, but you made me give in the endless nights of imagining holding you in my arms became a reality, the kisses my lips craved that made butterflies swoop around my stomach. But now what do I have left, traces of broken memories because I pushed you away. Maybe you left because I wasn't good enough? I knew I didn't deserve you from the start but yet I wanted you. I was selfish, I wanted the hazy morning smiles, the hugs at 3am when it all got too much. I saw a future with you, I saw us taking holidays together remember when we said we were gonna go to every continent together? I saw us buying a house, our future. Together. And when we both knew it was broken we never gave it up, because only fools fall for people like us and we broke each other so much we didn't care anymore. Everything was shattering right before us because of my mistake. My mistake of falling for you, I ruined it all. That night I kissed you, when our lips locked for the first time up against my houses fence. We were in public, anyone could have saw us but we didn't care. I lost myself in you that day, and in an instant I was intoxicated. My heart craved more of you each waking day my heart longed for you. To feel your hands upon my skin, your soft plump lips pressing against mine. The silence now is far more painful though, the time and space between us making everything my body ache my mind races because I know it was my fault. I left you in the quiet which I didn't know I was doing until it was too late. I pushed you away to him, I pushed you away because no matter how much you told me I didn't deserve the work of art that is you Troye Sivan. I remember the night you told me, the night that you said I hurt you, because all you ever wanted was me. And all I ever wanted was you know that okay? You were my world. But I couldn't find the words, nothing escaped my lips apart from a broken sigh because I knew it was too late you slid through my hands like water. Now we're broken. Unfixable, because when ever I see you I just want to feel the taste of my lips against yours again but there's too much pain. I know you tried to move on, you tried to forget and he lasted for a while, until he snapped at you. He snapped because you lost something in you that you found in me, the part of you in me has faded now only something which seems like a distant memory. You drove me wild, you made me relax under your touch the way your fingers grazed my palms dancing around the dents in them, causing a spark inside of me to ignite. The spark blew out, wearing weaker and weaker as the distance between us grew larger the voices that once laughed now changed into a deep unsettling silence. But don't ever forget the way we laughed at 3am the late night skypes when I would wake up and find you still sleeping because we fell asleep on Skype, don't forget Italy the way we promised we would love each other forever because I still love you, and I always will love you Troye. Don't forget how we held each other close and fell asleep to the sound of each other's heartbeats, don't forget the failed selfies, the texts the collabs never forget them, they were the best times of our lives and you know it. Thank you, for the best years of my life, from the day I saw you I knew you would change my life. I'm always going to be yours, because no one compares to you Troye no one. They don't make my heart flutter igniting the same spark you did they don't make butterflies flutter around my stomach. They don't compare to you. Because Troye, I still love you and I can't help myself.
