Not That Bad #Wattys2018

Chapter Twenty

Eli is massaging my thighs and quizzing me on Chemistry. I'm really ticklish there, so my answers all come out as silly, stupid giggles. I haven't forgotten Imogen and what I guess was a threat, but I don't say a word about it to Eli. Maybe he doesn't need more evidence that he dated a psycho.

He looks up at me and flashes his dimpled smile. I feel my head swim and I feel dizzy for a fraction of a second. I wish, wish, wish I had that same effect on him when I smiled too.

"What?" I say, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, "Was my answer wrong?"

He shakes his head and laughs. "No. You're correct." He smiles, "It's... It's just weird that you giggle. You don't look like the giggling type."

I roll my eyes. "First of all, Eli, I'm not a type of girl. I don't fall into any category. I'm just me. Second, I think giggling is impulsive, I doubt anyone goes, should I giggle or not, and third, can you just ask me more questions? Chemistry isn't going to pass itself."

"OK." Eli sits next to me on my bed.

"OK." I say, then feeling flirty I add, "Kiss me if I'm wrong."

"No."says Eli. He gives me a wicked grin. "I'll kiss you if you're right."

Which obviously makes it a lot harder to be kissed. Lucky for me I get the next three questions right and Eli leaves a trail of kisses on my arm and shoulder. He's almost at my neck, where I really want to be kissed.

"What is the symbol for potassium?"

With Eli's lips hovering just over my neck, I literally feel my mind go blank. "Um." I say, glancing down at his head, at the lighter streaks of brown waves in his hair. I run my fingers through it for a second, thinking. " Is it P?"

"Wrong." says Eli, sounding amused. He leans back and looks at me all smug. I try hard not to make a sulky face. There's almost a burning sensation on my neck where Eli's lips should have been right now."It's K." he says. 

But then he leans forward and kisses me anyway.

***

Everything is a blur the next week. I juggle long study sessions with Eli, resist the urge to smoke (which is harder than I thought it would be since I've only done it for a year) and keep Imogen out of my thoughts (which is also harder than I thought because she's such a creep). 

I stand at the entrance of the hall, where most people are already seated, sharpening pencils and whatever. Suddenly I freeze. Everyone else looks so ready. And then there's Imogen, not looking at me but somehow her hair is threatening me anyway. It's so weird. 

What if I don't finish? What if my pencil point breaks during multiple choice? What if my pen explodes? Oh shit, what if someone leaves the window open and the wind blows my paper onto the floor and when I try to get it Ms Ford thinks I'm cheating and cancels my paper?

I'm not being paranoid. I can barely breath. My chest tightens and my heart races in my chest. I never thought something like this would break me down so much. But failing my exams ultimately means proving everyone who thinks I can't do it right. And I can't do that. But my head is spinning and I feel so sick.

Maybe I can turn around and forget about it. That's what everyone expects me to do right? I can go outside and smoke, even though I QUIT and fail my finals by default. Thinking about it, if I'd never had a tutor, especially not Eli, that'll probably be the exact thing I would do. 

I can't do this. I CAN'T DO THIS.

I turn around with my eyes closed and start walking away from the hall. I'm thinking I'll just go to the nurse and skip the test. I won't even be pretending. I really feel sick. I might throw up.

I feel someone grab me. It's not just one person, it's two. I open my eyes slowly and see Chase and Eli, together, and they're looking at me really weird.

"Where are you going?" Chase asks me.

"The exam is that way." says Eli at the same time.

I drop my chin to my chest. "I can't do it." I blurt, "I can't...I'm not feeling...well." I feel my knees go weak. WEAK. That's when I know how real this is. How scared I am. Chase and Eli lead me towards some lockers and let me lean against them. I concentrate on their faces and not the fact that some people were giving us odd looks.

"Of course you can do it." Eli says. He grabs my hand and squeezes, "You're Rori Villan, right? I thought you were that bad-ass-don't-give-a-shit kind of girl. You can do anything."

Right. That's what I let everyone think I am. But I'm just Rori Villan, the girl who doesn't try because she's scared of failure. I can't help but give a weak laugh when Chase wiggles his eyebrows and winks, gesturing toward Eli holding my hand.

"We'll talk about this later." he tells me, "Right now, I need you to go back into the hall and show that exam who's boss."

I nod and take a deep breath. There's still a lump in my throat as I walk back into the hall with my two favorite boys on the whole world. They make things a little better. One holding my hand and the other with his arm around my shoulder.