Worlds Apart

Chapter Twenty Nine

When you love somebody but you find someone.

The lyrics had me gulping, and my hands dropped away from Carl to cover my eyes. And then I could feel the change as my breathing became shallow. His lips were nearing the sensitive skin right above my jeans, hands smoothing their way down my sides to grip me tightly.

And it all unravels and it comes undone.

I swore there was dampness building in my eyes.

"Stop," I gasped out, throat tight as I kept my hands covering my face. "God, I'm sorry, Carl. Just stop, please."

As soon as the words were out, Carl was pulling away from me, hands pulled back as if I'd burnt him. I pulled my hands back just enough to look at him. His eyes were slightly unfocused as he blinked down at me, and all the sudden the guilt was abounding and mixing in with the humiliation.

So I covered my eyes again, moaning in mortification. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."

"Its fine," he mumbled, voice more than a little hoarse. Whatever might have been running through his head, Carl did exactly what I asked and fell back. My legs had slumped down into the mattress, and he took the chance to drop on to his back beside me. Our shoulders were touching, forcing the time in the tour bus with Cam to flash before my eyes, and with it came even more embarrassment and horror than I'd been ready for. But it also brought on a wave of sadness, the kind that reached right down through my organs and twisted them harshly.

Even as I listened to Carl steadying his breathing beside me with the heels of my hands pressed against my eyes, Keely's words were echoing through my head. "Like someone has a vice in your chest and when something reminds you of him – and everything does – it feels like its tightening and twisting until all you can feel is pain and all you can hear is his voice."

"God, I'm sorry, I just thought... but then, I couldn't and..." I trailed off of my muffled ramblings still hid behind my hands.

"Jesus, Turner, you don't have to apologize for not wanting to have sex with me. It's alright, I swear," Carl informed me. And though I could hear that ever ready sense of humour warming the edge of his voice, there was an edge there too. He explained that quickly. "You've just got to give me a minute to get everything back into working order here. Or, maybe make sure it's not in working order."

It showed how deeply the shame had travelled in me that I didn't even try to laugh. But I thought that might have been in equal part to the sudden bone deep unhappiness, maybe even more. However I did manage to pull my hands down to peer up at him.

Whatever he read on my face must have alarmed Carl, because the concern was right back in there, taking away any show of desire that had been there minutes before. He hastily reached over to me, knuckles brushing gently over my cheek bone. I had to fight back the tears that wanted to fall without a care. Carl must have seen that staring back at him, because though he tried to smile at me in some show of comfort, I could see some of my sadness mirrored in him.

I had to remind myself I didn't cry. I never cried, no matter what was going on with my life, hadn't since Josh. Because if I started, I wasn't sure when I'd be able to stop.

So it was a battle to hold back the tears when Carl said bluntly, "So which one of them are you in love with?"

He didn't say who, but I knew as well as he did just who he was speaking about. It was kind of clogging my mind at the moment. And I didn't bother to disagree with him yet I wasn't about to agree either. What could I say? My emotions had been a giant mess for years, and I was no closer to having a break through with them than I had been since I was a confused child wondering why her dad didn't pick her up at the airport.