This isn't a story. Rather than a diary or a journal. I don't really have anything to do with my life right now. I am writing this out of boredom, and I don't really know why.
I've been having thoughts of killing myself, and from my perspective, I am very much alone, literally with my own problems. I might be weak for thinking about suicide, but who cares? I've been clean of cuts for 1 month, but I don't know what happened yesterday that made me decide to cut randomly, and now every day equals 1 cut.
I need healing, but at this stage of my life, I don't think there is healing that is coming to my life. I know that to heal, I need to be the one to make the first move, but the move I actually want and am making is not healing. The scars on my life have reached my soul; not even I can heal myself.
'God can heal you,' said the same person who pushed me here. One thing I hate about humanity is that they cannot accept the fact that god will not help you; it's you who will help you. God has become a coping mechanism; I guess he always has been, but my brain and heart have different beliefs. I do believe that god does exist; it's just that the words of humans are making me doubt.
I have lots of goals in my life, but I do see those goals as an impossible task. Why? Because of my reality—the reality of poverty and life. I am ugly, short, dumb, and fat. There's no way I can achieve those goals. One thing about life that I have learned is that you need to learn to sacrifice, because you will not achieve anything if you do not sacrifice anything.
Looking at myself in the mirror and wondering how ugly I was, I decided to do it. In a few days, I might actually kill myself, but that's a thing I cannot decide until tomorrow. Why? Let me tell you later. But I have decided to list my goals in life, and let's see if I ever actually get to finish them before I finish my own life.
For additional context on who I am, I am a high school student, planning on killing myself on September 15, 2026. Today is September 6, 2026. Let's see if I will get to move the dates, decide not to do it, or go through with it.
My current coping mechanism is cutting and wanting to die; that's a thing that is actually keeping me sane, but I don't think I am sane. I think I am INSANE. I started talking to myself more, as no one ready to talk to me. I made a friend, though. Arli. She's not real, of course; I know that. I created her in my head; she's someone I can talk to. She reminded me of what to do and other things. She's like a real companion.
She's mean to me, literally, when I'm being a stupid person. Sometimes I wish she could take over my brain, because she knows what to do, unlike me- just a smart ass.
I may have done a lot of bad things back then, I mean, until now, but do I deserve all the pain? I think yes, but I don't really know. I don't know how or where to kill myself. I cannot just keep on cutting. I cannot kill myself inside our house cause I live in a small cramp place, and if I wanna do it here, that would be a lot of trouble considering there are a lot of eyes looking at me.
What if I just run away and disappear forever? But that's impossible, maybe right now. I don't have the money or the guts on actually doing that, funny how I have the guts on killing myself but on being run away doesn't.
Goals:
1. Fix all my mistakes.
2. Be a good daughter.
3. Help my parents financially.
4. Make sure to raise my grades.
5. Lose weight. (Who wants to be a pig anyway?)
6. Indirectly get revenge. (No matter what, be karma, at least before dying.)
7. Write letters for my loved ones every day, until the day I fully heal or take my own life.
8. Healing others' pain.
9. Repelling on my sins.
10. Create a new person who will take over this body, the perfect one.
Goals, just in case:
1. Be a Forensic Anthropologist. (if I have the money to be one.)
2. Financial freedom and stability. (for my parents.)
3. Finish my program, graduate in STEM, and be a UP student.
4. Live in the same dorm with my 2 dear best friends.
5. Buy an apartment, a house, and a farm.
6. Live a peaceful life with my loved ones. Till my death.
7. Heal my trauma.
8. Forget every single bad thing that has happened.
9. Learn my lesson.
10. Be someone to actually be admired.
11. Create the perfect me.
