What I Couldn't Lose

Chapter One

I stared at the ceiling of the hospital room. It was eerily silent, sans the machine beeping on occasion. I turned on the TV and flipped aimlessly through the channels. Nothing caught my attention. I sighed and closed my eyes again.

I'd been in the hospital for a week and a half now, and I knew the bill, along with the meds, the ambulance ride, and anything else I'd need in the future, was going to wring my neck.

Just end it when you get home. They can't bill a dead girl.

My chest stung. The bills would go to my family if I were dead. I held my breath as the pain in my chest rushed over me.

If only Xciana hadn't called. Maybe you'd be dead by now. Lying on the kitchen floor. Someone would have eventually found you. But they wouldn't have had to worry about medical bills. Just the funeral home.

My chest ached again. The pain shot down my hands. I squeezed my eyes shut. I had no idea what happened. I was cooking dinner when I collapsed. The next morning, my sisters noticed my location hadn't moved, and I was going to be late for work.

I scrolled through my call log. It was empty. My siblings had cleared it out to hide how many times they'd each called me after assuming I'd slept through my alarm. I racked my brain, trying to remember that night. That day at all.

I closed my eyes. I remembered my phone. I remembered texting. I opened my chat with Marina.

Hey girl, call me when you get a chance; we gotta talk.

My memory came flooding back. I'd talked to Marina about the tournament. About Tijerina. I'd talked to Gabe. I flipped to our messages.

Gabe: WTF are you talking about?

Me: don't act stupid

We'd talked on the phone. We'd talked about the rumors spreading between Tijerina and Marina, and between the two of us. We were mad. Marina was, Tijerina was, I was. And I'd accused Gabe of spreading rumors. His voice rang in my ear.

"He doesn't see us together. No one does."

I flipped to the call log, only to remember it was blank. I squeezed my eyes shut, racking my memory for what had happened after the call with Gabe had ended.

I was making dinner. I was making... fuck! What was I making? I was cutting. I was dicing something. I was dicing...a tomato? Hell, I don't remember. The smell had made my head spin. I remembered sitting at the table.

"It's okay," Josh had whispered to me. He was sitting across from me at the table. "You'll be fine."

I remember him holding me. He was there. I remember his stocky build, the freckles that dotted his cheeks. I remember his calm, blue eyes locked with mine, promising me comfort and ease as he held my hand. He was there. I was with him. He was back.

I sat up and screamed. A hand grabbed my leg. I whipped over and locked eyes with the face connected to the hand on my thigh. It was Xciana.

"You're okay," she soothed. "Breathe. You're okay. I'm here."

I broke down sobbing. He wasn't back. He hadn't been holding me. He was gone.

"Chia," Xciana continued. "Hey, baby girl. It's okay. You're okay. Are you in pain?"

"No," I sobbed. "I'm just-"

The grief racked me again. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I cried until no more tears fell from my eyes. I cried until I couldn't even lift up my arms to cover my face. The IV in my hand stung, pulling against the tape holding it in my skin.

"I want to go home," I gasped. "I just. Fuck!"

"I know, baby," my sister cooed. "I know. But look. Some of your friends from work sent you stuff."

I glanced at the table at the foot of the bed. A balloon, teddy bear, and a few cards decorated it.

"Want me to read you their messages?"

"No," I sniffled. "Not really."

"Do you want to read them yourself?"

She handed me the cards. I had no option but to take them. I opened one and scanned over the names. It was from Grey Stone. Taki, Vico, Zhao, Ms. Nolasco, Juliette, Osaka, and a few other officers and staff, all with soft, sweet messages wishing a quick recovery. I glanced at the corner under the pre-typed message. Sergio had drawn a bowl of macaroni and cheese. I chuckled.

Working in a place like Grey Stone, or even Merritt, the days can be darker than nights. We'd all seen our share of incidents. We'd seen assaults so bad it took staples to close skin and scalps, bodies so bloody they looked dead, and crime scenes so bad they looked straight out of horror films. We'd had assaults that ended in death, suicide attempts, and even successful suicides. Sergio, among other officers, had walked in on these scenes more than a handful of times. James had recently cut an inmate down. Hell, I'd even had an inmate slit his wrist in front of me during a classification meeting after being told there was no evidence to substantiate his claims of danger. The job wasn't for everyone, and as I watched employees come and go, it became obvious who was built for the environment and who wasn't.

Sergio, Gabe, and I got through most of our days by cracking heinous jokes to each other. We joked about beating the shit out of each other, them fucking my brains out, and even taking note of the inmates who tried to kill themselves- joking on more than one occasion that we would go home and hang ourselves, slit our wrists, or other, more creative ways to get the same idea across. One that had taken the cake was something Juliette found online: "I'm going to turn myself into a bowl of mac and cheese."

I smiled and traced the pasta drawing in the corner, laughing as I saw the quote we used at least twice a week, signed with a heart and the initials 'S.C.'

"That your boyfriend?" Xciana asked, smiling at the drawing.

I hid the quote before she could read it. "No. Best friend."

"Cute," she smirked. "Didn't quite understand the reference to the mac and cheese, though."

I laughed and handed her the card back. She replaced it with the second card. Like I'd guessed, it was from the crew at Drew Merritt. An additional piece of paper with more messages on it fell out. Kylie, the wardens, and Elizabeth's signatures were front and center under the pretyped message, my old boss's and ex-coworkers' signatures in the corner. I laughed as I saw a message from one of the girls that specified that the inmate clerks wanted to sign as well, but knew they couldn't.

I continued scanning the page, finding James, Enriquez, and Contreras. Iris had written a sweet note, and under hers was Captain Molina, who felt the need to tell me via get-well-soon card that he had been promoted to Major. Tijerina, Lee, and a few others I'd come to know throughout my time at Merrit. My smile fell as I realized I had never found Gabe's name. I closed the card and handed it back to my sister.

"You're so loved," She whispered, opening the card and glancing at all of the messages.

Not enough, apparently, I thought. He probably wouldn't care if I had died. He couldn't even sign the card, text me, nothing. You really are just a pawn to him.

"They're good people," I sighed.

Xciana studied my face. "You were asleep earlier, but the doctor came in. The results came back."

I raised a brow.

"They can't find anything wrong."

"Shocker."

"Xiomara," my sister snapped. "Be serious. This is your health at stake."

"I'm aware," I sighed. "I don't know what's worse. Them knowing what's wrong, or them not knowing."

"I'd rather know what's wrong," Xciana weighed. "That way we can start fixing it."

My health isn't the only thing in need of fixing. All of me needs fixing.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as the pain shot through my chest and arms again.