"What are you doing?" Namjoon muttered, unable to watch anymore "Hobi, you have a life. Go back to it. Don't you have a million side projects? The shoes, the clothes, the brand stuff... just go "
Hoseok snorted softly "Good to know you still keep tr...
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The clock ticked loudly in the heavy silence, it was like the slow build up in a cliche horror movie right before something terrible happens. Namjoon was laying flat on his back on the bedroom floor, wrapped in a grey blanket , staring blankly at the ceiling. Books were scattered around him...some stacked in uneven piles, others still in their packaging, completely untouched. He had brought them into his bedroom hoping they would distract him and give him something to focus on other than his own thoughts, but they hadn't helped much.Empty coffee cups and discarded ramen bowls were scattered across the room
And the state of the room mirrored the chaos inside his head
It had been two weeks since his military discharge. After eighteen long months of rigid schedules, followed orders, and he strange feeling of having every minute decided for him, freedom was finally his. Every night in his bunk, he had dreamed of exactly this...freedom...the lazy mornings, visiting galleries and museums, a life filled with music and books, late night studio sessions with the members and above all...the electric roar of crowds chanting their names again. That was all he wanted. Or at least, that was what he believed
But reality turned out to be a cruel joke. The high of the first few days faded fast, and then he crashed -hard. The world outside suddenly felt too big and too loud and too demanding. Management emails piled up with tight deadlines, countless meetings about the next steps of the band were being held, tour dates were being fixed, venues were being booked, decisions waiting to be made. The weight of being ...the leader!of the biggest band in the world, the global icon everyone looked up to...it pressed down on his chest until it began suffocating him
Everyone depended on him. At least, that's how it felt. Even though he knew, logically, that the members could stand on their own, that they were all masters of their craft, the pressure still crushed him. They were supposed to head to song camp in just a few days and begin working on the album, but his mind was completely blank. For the first time since he was a teenager ...there were no ideas or lyrics inside his head..there was no spark. Everything he wrote down in his little notebook during the military service...every ideas...every line...it all suddenly felt meaningless and empty .He felt so lost that even the thought of stepping outside seemed impossible
He had truly believed things would be easier once he returned to the real world. He had spent his time in the military writing, imagining music, holding onto that version of himself...but now it all suddenly felt too distant, almost alien and the realization hurt more than he expected
He wished, desperately, that he could just be Kim Namjoon and not RM. The thought made him feel like a failure. Worse, it made him feel ungrateful...for the fame, the life and the endless love he had received from the world. The guilt sat heavy in his chest. So he lied to everyone . He told the members he needed to visit his parents and stayed locked inside his apartment instead. Even now, he couldn't believe he had lied to them. But he had hoped that some quiet time would help him get out of this weird headspace.
