Diary of an (extra)ordinary man

1

I killed a man. Not in self-defense or by accident. I killed because I was curious. Curious of how I would feel. If I would tremble? Panic? Immediately run away? There were so many things I could do because of it. And yet I just stood there, staring at the body.

After that I walked away and went home. Because what could I do? Bury the body? Why bother? It's just a waste of time. And time is limited. I won't live forever. I'll probably leave this city soon. There's nothing more here anyway. Just loud streets full of paupers, prostitutes and annoying people. They all are so ordinary. So utterly boring. But aren't I the same after all? Just another being in this stupid world. Another ordinary man, no different from the people around me.

No. That can't be. I am special. Unlike everyone else. I'm above them. I must be... Extraordinary. Yes, that's a good word. I am extraordinary. I have to be. Because if I'm not, everything that I believed was a lie the whole time. But that would be terrible. A literal nightmare. I must be extraordinary, there's no other explanation.

I had the right to kill, because I'm extraordinary. I am above them all. Above God himself. Maybe I am God? That would explain why I had this privilege to kill. Because God can kill if that's important in his plan. And it was important. I needed to make sure I indeed was extraordinary. I proved a point. I am God.

***

I read Crime and Punishment when I was young. I used to think Raskolnikov was relatable. Until he confessed. I would never confess. It's such a stupid thing to do. Why would anyone confess after committing a crime? And more importantly, why would a God like me confess? I am the one people should confess to, not the other way around.

Maybe I should be a priest. I could hear people sins and then punish them for doing bad things. They don't have the right to do them. I always liked going to the church. It was peaceful. I felt like I belonged there. I never prayed though. I thought it was... Pointless. I don't think people should pray to God. They shouldn't pray to anything. I am God and I don't want prayers. I don't want people on their knees for me. I just want to observe silently and then administer justice. That's what God should do. Judge silently. And then punish bad people. Although good people should be praised. They have to know that God appreciate what they do. But then again, are there any truly good people in this world? I don't think I ever met any.