A Game of Colours

Chapter 39: The Point of No Return

 It is unnerving, seeing Lewis so fragile. I thought her as someone unbreakable, a warrior that has only strengthened into a veteran through years of battle. It can't possibly be the same, sassy, strong-headed woman that helped me escape jail and saved me on the brink of death, that is now sitting before me as nothing more than a crumpled mess of tears. 

She has been infected with love. The ultimate antidote when given, and the ultimate poison when taken away.

"Talk to me," I say kindly, "what happened?"

"You hate me. I know you do," she says angrily, ignoring my question, "you're only comforting me because you feel guilty about Alex."

"Why would I hate you?"

"You think I'm a monster," she chokes bitterly,  "I saw the way you looked at me this morning. You don't trust me any more, Alice, and that may be the smartest thing you've ever done."

I flinch when she uses my full name, the familiarity she once used with me now apparently gone.

"You're no more of a monster than I am, Lew."

She laughs humourlessly. "Don't flatter yourself, kid."

She studies the photograph of Alexander Sawyer again, as if drinking him in.

"It's the first time I've looked at 'em, in a long time. I kept it locked there 'cause I was afraid I'd feel it again. And now it's all comin' back to me--as though it was yesterday. I haven't talked about him in over eight months...but I think I'm ready."

She looks into my eyes, her own soft and full of grief.

"Alex and I met when we were 19 years old. Kids, really, but also old enough to realize that we were perfect for each other. At least, that's what I believed then. He was Jim's nephew from Louisiana. Both his parents had died in a carriage accident, and Jim had assumed responsibility of him until he had a steady income of his own. Someone had to keep a watchful eye on him, and Jim loved him like the son he'd never had. He took him everywhere, and I'll admit I was jealous of all the attention he was getting. I wasn't the only juvenile delinquent that needed reforming any more, I guess," she says with a shaky laugh. "Either way, Jim let him in on our secret quickly, after realizing that Alex was as kind-hearted and passionate as he was."

I study her features as she speaks. Her nose is scrunched and her eyes are focused, as if she's trying to figure out her feelings while she's confessing them. She's absent-mindedly stroking the picture, and I squeeze her hand reassuringly, waiting for her to continue.

"Alex loved the work Jim did. He insisted on helping any way he could, by helping slaves escape onto trains, or coordinating anti-racism efforts in the town. I loved him most when he talked about things like that. He had so many big ideas," she says, her eyes glimmering, "he wanted to join the abolitionist movement, give speeches, and be the first town in America to declare black, white, and everything in between equal. The problem was, Alex loved equality too much in a town who hated blacks too much. He'd get into fights with the rich white folks in town, causing all kinds of problems for them and soon enough they started complaining to Jim and investigating. Said if he couldn't handle his nephew, then the police would have to. Jim couldn't have the cops sniffing around our place too much. Let's say the place had a lot of secrets that needed to be kept, and we weren't ready to give it up." Lewis speaks with a fiery pride, her features hardening and chin tilted up. The safe house might be the only thing left that she cares about.

"Well, anyway, the two of them got into a huge argument. Alex insisted that he'd be more careful next time, and that the work he was doing was necessary. Jim wouldn't have any of it. He was afraid he'd get hurt, and felt that he owed it to Alex's parents to protect him.  He put an end to Alex's doings in town. He decided he couldn't let Alex in on the plans any more. Being part of the Underground Railroad meant keeping a lot of secrets and biding one's time, but Alex was rash. He wanted results, and when he didn't get them...he'd make them. Jim  didn't trust him to do anything serious any more. He'd realized that Alex was hot-headed and impulsive, too driven for his own good. Those qualities are dangerous in times like these--but that's who he was."