Broken, Flawed & Living (Discontinued)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Was this how Tori felt when or even if Thomas talked me like that? "A little warning next time." Because if so... damn.

"What's so bad about me calling your sister sexy?"

"Because she's not."

In the cold air, his laugh could be warming. "You ass." How lucky I was for a guy like him and a sister like Tori in my life. "Now come on, mom wants me back home soon to help her with the Winter Festival and stuff."

Contempt in the silence, we pulled ourselves up, but before I even knew it, I was drawn into his arms. He almost made me lose my breath but just as I matched his grip, the fool thought it was fun to battle me for dominance. Now I could imagine how Thomas survived with Tori, like I survived with this dumbass.

As his arms let loose, his hands stopped short on my arms and he just smiled back. And his eyes reflected how wrong I was earlier. I was broken, yeah, but I could see the boy growing up as himself finally.

Depression sure never took its retirement just yet. Never even got tired of beating my sorry ass around all these years. And it makes me a damn fool to blame it for my actions. I pushed the edge of everyone who just cared. I kept everyone wondering except those who I told. My parents should've been first. They should've been first right after Tori. Thomas should've known. But like a fool, like a coward, I was too scared. Too uncomfortable. I feared what my parents would've said if they even knew I liked men instead of girls. Felt too uncomfortable telling Thomas who wouldn't understand, who would've thought I wasn't much of a man because of what happened.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

I couldn't even admit to mself but I realize I've been subconsciously thinking it. Just another reason why I'm a poor excuse of a man, pathetic in my own right. And I'm not just saying that because of depression, I'm saying it because it's true. I need to know that. I realized it. And I need to understand how to not be that kind of person, someone like Anthony. How did I even let myself be his shadow? I had my own life and ever since he did that... I've felt like I had to build a new one and this is where it got me.

Fucking hell...

This is where this life got me... I'm never going to stop saying I'm a fool until I'm not. I'm not going to stop saying I'm pathetic until I grow out of being one. And I promise myself I won't be anything like Anthony. I can't be. Not for my sister, my parents, Chris, my friends. Not for Thomas if I ever want to be the sort of man who loves and protects him because I love these people and I should love myself first.

But where the hell do I start? Where the hell do I even start?

I've thought about it... I've been thinking about for quite some time and could never bring myself to realize it might be the start.

I need to accept it. Yeah, I need to accept the fact it happened. I was there. Shane was there. Anthony was there... I accept... but will never forgive and forget... that I was raped. There's nothing else to say about that but it happened. I honestly think that's the first step here.

It happened. It just happened so fast but felt so slow and agonizing... it just happened.

I've heard sometimes the past builds your strength and I sure hope this builds mine. These muscles don't mean shit if my mind isn't on the same level. I don't even know what the hell the second step is but I'll find it somehow. I know that much.

Faint but audible, I turned at a creak from behind. My door laid open and in the doorway stood my mom. A smile on her I gave back I plugged out my earbuds. "How are you holding up?" she asked. But her eyes read something else. You could never look in a McClain's eyes and believe they're the same as they look.