Like a Doorstop

Repeating Cycle

"I look at you with admiration and love even in your flaws, darling."

Those were the words that was heavily embedded on my mind before going to sleep. The sweet nothings that my lover whispered into my ear with effort, it was an indication of the love he has for me- that undying devotion he has for this relationship we carry together.

Only for it to be disregarded so easily. A simple misunderstanding caused it to ruin our morning, our lovely morning and I looked at him with such disdain. Avoiding our paths from being crossed to which led into a temporary separation... temporary? 

"I'm pissed at you; I don't want to talk to you right now. Bye." Foolish me, I should've not let my anger control me. It didn't carry love, not a single bit of it did and my dear lover realized that. He realized that this pain was already familiar to him, it happened before, once- no. More than once.

𖤝

My darling... what were you thinking on those hours where I refused to talk to you? What were your thoughts? Your realization, your assumption, conclusion. What were they all? I'm sorry, my love, I'm sorry for leaving you that day with you and your thoughts alone. I'm sorry for leaving us that day, I thought I was protecting you, darling. From my emotions, from the harsh words. I do not wish harm on you, I genuinely don't, and I thought the space and silence between us would protect you, cause less harm but it didn't... I didn't know I was only hurting you more.

I didn't consider how painful it would be, I only thought of fleeing. I'm sorry.

𖤝

"Macy, we need to talk." 

"Of course, Victor." 

Victor was sitting on the couch when I got home, he didn't greet me nor has looked at me the moment I walked in. I'm scared.

"What is it tha-"

"I don't think this can work out."

What. 
What's happening.
I was cut off, that's what happened... but no.

Victor, what... why. No- huh... 

"Victor... what?" It came out raspy, unsure. Trying to find a way to escape from this dream. Actually, what kind of dream is this...

"We can't work it out and I'm tired of this cycle we are in. You get upset, I worry, you stay silent, I worry more then you flee. I don't want this; I don't want to allow myself on getting more hurt. I'm tired, you've crossed boundaries-"

"Victor, wai-"

"The silent treatment... you're just weaponizing it. You don't understand how painful it is, and every time you give me the silent treatment, two things happen; one, I worry for you so much because I don't know what's happening to you. Two; I get hurt because you're treating me poorly."

"I'm not weaponizing silent treatment to you. I just don't want you to get hurt because I am capable of saying hurtful things, especially when I'm mad. I don't want that happening."

"Either way, harsh words mean communication. It can lead to an argument but it's still communication and that has more progression than giving silent treatment. I can get hurt more; we can get hurt more but we can still communicate it through. That's better than nothing."

No...

"Macy, I care a lot for you. But I cannot stay here longer, getting hurt more and more while claiming that I'm being cared for."

I was loss for words. It's not because he shut my ego down but because I never knew he was hurting this much. Yes, I knew he was worried for me whenever I did that, but I didn't... I didn't know you we getting hurt, Victor.

What can I do? How can I fix this? How do I fix myself? Please, I want to be with you, please don't give up. I will change; I will make sure to change. I want to change, I have to change but I want to change, for you. I want to change for the better for you. Please don't give up.

I know I'm the same person that told you to stop being a pushover. I know your past relationships; I know it well. I know you said that you know me well enough to know that I am not fine when I said I was fine, I know you know me, I'm sorry. Please, Victor, please give me one last chance. I'm sorry, I don't want to los eyou. I'm sorry plesse. I knwo I wasnt fine, Is houldve listened t o you. I'm sorry , please Victor. Pls e Victor.

Ding!

Huh? Where's Victor?

Wait, how long have I been lost in thought. Maybe he's at his room. I should go check there.

I see his lights are on and door open. Oh! He's there- wait- why is he packing up...?

Knock, knock. I knocked.

"What do you want?"

"I'm sorry... I didn't know you were hurting. I thought you wouldn't get hurt because it was silence, not an impulsive action or harsh words. I'm sorry. But Victor... I beg of you, to please give me one more chance. I want to change. I want to change for us. I don't want to lose you; I really don't want that. I want to be beside you and I want to change; I want to a promise a change for you."

"Macy."

!

"Thank you for the apology but I'm not asking for anything. You have crossed a boundary that I am setting up right now, and whatever you do from now on is completely up to you, but I am leaving. And Macy? I don't want you to change for me, I want you to change for yourself. I want you to see that you are good by the change you have done, I don't want to see that you aren't good because you believe in it. I want you to change for yourself. But I'm not staying."

Please...

Ah! Don't touch my cheeks, you're making me fall for you more.

"Being together more will only enable this cycle longer and that is not good to either of us. So, I will be stepping back for the better of both."

Victor, please! Please, I-

Oh, oh! Oh... you have that determined look in your eyes. I see...

"I understand..."

I took your hand away, the one caressing my cheeks. Holding it between my hands.

"Thank you for being honest with me, thank you for the advice. I'm truly sorry for hurting you."

I let go of your hand and the way I said those words were so monotone. So flat, so rehearsed, so defeated, even though I was crying a moment ago while you stared at me with those loving eyes, whispering to me like you did last night, telling me: "Please, Macy, let go. It is for the better."

"Thank you, I'm sorry for how things played out. I would never wish for this."

"Don't apologize, I understand. Thank you. And please do take care as always."

"Thank you. You too."

How long have I been standing here?

It seems the day has set. The sun is gone; it now just leaves the moon and a couple of stars.
I miss him.

I should get my blanket... where do I lay? On the floor.

It's not a dream... 

I regret everything.