No Control | Holding Me Ransom (Book 2)

1 - Stop Me From Not Moving On

"Where do they find this shit?" I said exasperatedly. I swept the pile of this morning's tabloids, who were all running the same 'Love Cheat' story as the Daily Mail app, from my desk into the bin. They landed on top of my Harry Styles mug, mousemat, my One Direction pens and the stickers I had aggressively peeled off my computer screen the second I had arrived in the office at 8am.

Sarah and Gary were looking at me sympathetically, and Sarah threw her McDonald's breakfast wrapper on top of them in disgust.

"Are you alright, Jess?" Gary asked.

"No, not really. Not at all in fact," I sighed. "But I just can't cry any more. I spent the weekend sobbing. I haven't got any tears left."

I swivelled round in my chair and opened my laptop, and Gary and Sarah seemed to take this as a dismissal. Gary got up from the edge of my desk and went to sit behind his own, and Sarah wheeled herself back around the corner to her desk without even getting up off her chair.

I logged onto the network and stared blankly at my screen, my mind far from insurance policies. Why was there a photographer waiting for me outside my flat as I left that morning? Well obviously I knew why - but they must have had the story ready to go, and had just been waiting on a picture to accompany it. The thought made my blood boil.

Of course I knew this scandal wouldn't have been kept under wraps, but how on earth did they know anything about me? How did they know I unfollowed Harry on Instagram? Twitter I could understand, because everyone knew who I was on there. But he didn't even follow me back on Instagram - I rarely posted anything. It was bizarre.

It was irritating me that every time thoughts like this occurred to me, my first instinct was to pick up my phone and call Harry. And now I couldn't, even if I wanted to. Which I didn't.

I couldn't deny he was occupying my every waking moment, though. And not content with that, I was even dreaming about him. I hardly ever remembered my dreams, but now they were all about Harry of course I would remember every detail. Every look, every feeling, every touch. Both mornings since I'd returned from my little jaunt to Brussels I had woken up in tears. I had never dealt with this level of heartbreak before. It was a learning curve for me, and definitely one I did not wish to repeat.

I had stayed off Facebook since accepting Gemma's and Louis' friend requests, and had considered deleting Twitter altogether, but chickened out at the very last minute. My stubbornness told me I shouldn't have to remove myself from social media just because some curly-haired pop star had cheated on me with a size zero model in a posh New York hotel. However, I'd lost count of the number of times I had opened my Twitter app on Sunday, seen my thousands of notifications telling me I had mentions, and hastily closed it again.

I didn't want to know what the fans were saying about me and Harry. I just wanted to disappear from the world, from my life as I knew it, where nobody knew me so I could start again, in a place where nobody had ever heard of One Direction.

I got little done that morning, apart from staring into space and thinking of all the things I should have said to Harry when I had the chance - 'Fųck off' being top of my list so far. When lunchtime arrived Sarah approached my desk apprehensively.

"Do you want anything from Marks and Spencer?" she asked.

"I'll come with you," I said, standing up and picking up my bag. "I could do with some fresh air."

"Are you sure?" Sarah asked softly.

"Yes!" I said with a hint of exasperation that I immediately regretted. "Sorry - I'm fine. I just want to go about my life as normal - at least in public anyway. I'll save the breakdowns for behind closed doors."