My second first breath

Prolauge

"(Name), seriously, can we not do this today? You know I have work and you know your father's-"

"It's fine," You say but you're staring at the floor,tears threatening to spill. You bite your lip and turn away knowing that she would say that again.

"I promise I'll be at the next game. I swear," Mom says slinging her bag over her shoulder. You always say that. I know my mom is a hard worker, and I know she loves me but it always seems like she's never there.

"Don't forget your session tonight, okay..? And make sure you take your medicine. We don't want another....accident."

The accident. It's always the accident.

I had just come back from school— papers,homework, the bullies— everything crashing together until my head rang with pain. It hurt. I had a headache. The medicine cabinet was unlocked..lucky me. I knew i wasn't allowed near aspirin since last time, but it felt like this was an excuse, a moment where I could finally make the decision.

I downed the whole bottle. It barely helped. Stumbling through the bathroom, I noticed the kitchen light glowing against the hardwood floor. The wood was cold beneath  my bare feet as a shuffled towards it. On the counter were the bottles my father and his "lady friends" had from last night. Two bottles of vodka— still nearly full

I chugged them both, the alcohol burning my throat as it slid through my esophagus, the effect was immediate, numbing the ache from today, from yesterday from my whole life. With a shaky breath, I left the empty glasses on the table and staggered toward the living room or if you could even call it that. A sagging brown couch, a tv that wasn't even connected. I didn't make it to the cushion before everything went dark, the alcohol infecting my brain and pulling me under.

Last thing I remember was the wail of sirens, the bright luminescent lights, and the need of  five more minutes sleep, of ecstasy. Papers shuffle, doors opening and closing as people rush in an out. A doctor says it's a miracle im alive, and my mother weeping next to where I lay. Father no where to be found, not like that surprised me. He was never there more than my mother— and that was saying something.

The male doctor said that they were going to put me in a psych ward, if it weren't for my face, and my "bright future". My mom thanked them and I got off with a pack of Anti-depressants and required therapy, with no confidentiality and no choice.

"Okay mom I won't forget." you say fidgeting with your fingers. She's already gone though, out the door. Just like every morning you think it will be different. You know she has work early in the morning, why would you think she would bother with a measly goodbye? and yet you hope that one day she will prove you wrong, that she'll kiss your cheek and give you a ride to school and tell you to have a nice day. That's all you wanted, but that was wishful thinking.

You bend down clasp your shoes that were a size too small unable to bother your mom about another problem. pulling up your thigh high socks and stood back up smoothing out your uniform fixing a few loose strands of h/c hair. You grabbed your worn out backpack with 20+ keychains you've found or saved up for and began your journey to school.

——

The one thing that got me throughout the day was her.

Akio, my best friend— well only friend, we've been incepreble since the 10th grade when she noticed my faint anime interest, she showed me that I could be myself, that I didn't have to hide. I could be who I really am. When I first met her I thought she was an angel, a gift from some higher power a sign that I did something good, and was being rewarded for it.

"(name)! Did you see the new my hero season?? It's so good right!" Akio runs towards me, her bubbly personality contrasting with my own. It makes me wonder how a shining, friendly, Extroverted person like her would be friends with me, someone who only leaves her room to eat or take a shit.