The loop that never stops- diary

Chapter 1. The loop that never stops

"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest."
Yet I have all the interest in being better and feeling better.

Depression becomes a lens of illusion, making a single step forward look like a mile away.

It's not that I don't want to

get out of bed,
brush my teeth,
wash my face,
wet my hair,
do my hair,
do my skincare,
get dressed,
eat breakfast,
clean the dish I used for said breakfast,
make the bed,
go to class,
drink water,
write some notes,
eat lunch,
clean the dish from said lunch,
do some schoolwork,
fix my hair,
fix my makeup,
go back to class,
write more notes,
drink water,
take a shower,
get dressed,
eat dinner,
clean the dish
from said dinner,
drink water,
socialize,
study,
do more schoolwork,
eat a snack,
brush my teeth,
wash my face,
do my skincare,
use my phone,
and go to sleep
Just to do it all over again.
It's that every single action feels like climbing Mount Everest, risking my control for 10 minutes of satisfaction

It's not that I don't want to.
It's that I can't.
My brain won't let me.

But is it really my brain that won't let me?
Or is it just me?

The sense of control is gone.
And why seek control when it only slips through my hands the moment I reach for it?

I can't control my emotions anymore. I could last week, but not today.
There's no light at the end of the tunnel—only tomorrow.
And tomorrow will be the same as today.

There are no feelings left to feel.
No anger, no sadness, no happiness.
There's no color in the world I live in.

This same lens that clings to me each year from September to July just is—
dimming all the lights in the house, the sky,
and even the ones that used to live inside me.