Connection was redefined by him.
Somehow, an unexpected change in something so fundamental to who I am as a person, was entirely altered by the meeting of one soul.
A soul I barely spoke with, yet felt tethered to, like my soul searched for his regardless of where I was or who I was interacting with. To the point that when our eyes would finally meet, it felt like I was looking directly into the sun, like I would implode completely if I looked too long.
The moment I saw him, I knew something was different. My vision when looking at him felt defined and specific in a way I rarely feel, like his energy was sharpened perfectly for my eyes alone. I avoided it out of uncertainty of why the reaction was occurring at all. A face I was seeing more clearly than any of those around us, was overwhelmingly powerful, more than my mere human body could hold at one time.
His energy was warm, considerate and curious, I could feel it reaching for me, curious to engage with mine, but it all felt too big, too real. How could a first conversation hold so much weight? So much power over me? A person I have never met, or spoken to, and yet my energy is responding like it never has before. I pulled my energy back to give it, and my human, form a break. To find my steady footing again, after being knocked over by what felt like fate. His energy felt like a song sung inside of a great chapel, echoing, reverberating, against the stone walls, resonating deeply and completely, within my soul.
I tossed and turned all night, adrenaline coursing fervently through me, feeling like I myself was becoming too big for my body; the emotions I felt were cycling through me at the speed of thought. What was this? Was I in a place where I could admit to myself the magnitude of it all? I pushed it down, filing it away deeply, knowing if I let the full weight hit me, I would be irrevocably changed. Unwilling to acknowledge the transformation that had already occurred without my permission.
He changed me in the smallest of interactions. I will be forever grateful for him redefining something so fundamental for me, and showing me what connection can look like in a way that remains unspoken, and yet deeply profound. We connected in silence, as much as we did in words.
He wiped my heart's slate clean. Something I thought truly impossible. My mind was riddled with years of layers of regret, and zillions of what ifs.
Then, him.
The roaring of the past, forever silenced by the gentle lullaby of him.
I hope one day I will feel that again. It quickly became the best thing I have ever felt. And it was a relief, to know I could still feel so deeply.
For now, I release what didn't happen, and I carry forward the way he woke my heart. I trust the universe will meet me again, with new eyes, and new courage.
I am not done loving yet.
