Acknowledging the fact I'll never be able to feel happiness seems so draining. It's not that I've never felt happiness. But it's that I don't think I'll ever feel happiness. If I could choose how I've felt throughout the story and could've been my own author. I would never be trapped in a depressing book. All I can do is hope this and hope that knowing my author may not change my story. Would she ever finish the story though?
Would this all be finished for once? No more pain and suffering flipping the pages and typing as I'm told to. Being fictional makes it easy to believe all those fictional stories. Hoping that one day this will happen. I don't want to keep getting ahead of my thoughts but Alice in wonderland or beauty in the beast would sound like an adventure. Something I've never had in a while. The only adventures I've ever had when I was being vandalized, thrown away, and ran over being repaired like nothing. Funny how they can repair me, but not how I feel. I've never understood how that works. I've heard humans go to therapy or anger management, does that really make them better? Does it release the rage inside of their bodies? Or tears?
Does it fix them? Gosh my feelings are made up of confusion. I don't mean to turn this into a survey but I'm just so full of curiosity. I don't want to be left alone. But I've been alone for so long all I can do is be a loner. Just asking these questions to the humans as if they'd ever hop in the book and talk to me. I sometimes wonder, maybe if I changed the title of this book, would I have a different ending?
My Author left me to feel the pain because she couldn't handle the pain. So, she created me. Something I will never forget to tell. Maybe I don't want to forget. Put aside all the trouble she's done for me. Maybe pain is the only thing I want to remember. It's the only thing I can handle. Gosh I'm feeding into what she wanted this story to be about. I'm making it no better. The way she influences me to be this is actually so overwhelming how I can do nothing but just feed into it. I can just sometimes dream and imagine these days when it's dark outside, raining hard and foggy, with one bench in the center of the park just sitting there with my umbrella as a crow is sitting next to me.
Dreams have been the only thing keeping me together. It's very surprising I haven't gone down yet. Oh yeah, I forgot. I can't go down. It won't stop me from being in this loop, it'll just make me more desperate. I hate being in that mindset but it's all I can do. My fictional brain is fed all this negativity that it's my only way of being positive. I'm used to it though. All I've ever done was normalize the unhealthy things.
Fuck, I hate this book.
YOU ARE READING
Error Loops Between a Character
Science FictionBased off a character trying to find themselves on who they are and how they cooperate with themselves. Learning who they are making their knowledge better and more confidential with being okay not knowing what the real world is like.
